Sutured

Closure has finally happened, in a very anti-climactic way. After 2 years and 2 months, I received a check for my expenses Tuesday. This was for the costs incurred after the death of my husband. The check was made out to me in my maiden name. What does that mean? I don't know.

All the pain, and worry, legal problems, financial humiliation and loss of stability in my life is over. I feel like I have learned that the best partner is life is someone you would consider being friends with, not someone who basically tries to replace their mother with their spouse. I had believed that I got what I deserved. I left my husband because I was being suffocated, and because of that he killed himself. I suppose I will always believe that in a way, because in return his family turned their back on me, and left me to sort out stuff that I had no right to. I didn't get what I deserved. I don't want to know anymore what he was thinking, or why he did it. I am finally free.

I thought of this all this morning when my former counselor and her son came to the library. She used to ask me if I was safe after our first month of visits, as if I was about to drive off the road in grief. I told her not to worry, that I would never do such a thing because it would destroy my mother. Today I wanted to tell her it was all over. That I had remarried, and now have the quiet life I had always imagined having.