Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I've got my old world in my hands

I sometimes wonder how I got here. It's like the Talking Heads are playing the soundtrack of my life. I can see David Byrne floating above me, singing "And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?" I told L that the other day in the car. I said that sometimes it seems as if my life is like a dream. I said this as I passed by a place on our ride to my parent's house, where a house used to stand. Now there is nothing. Just like that a house was torn down.

My thoughts of Tim don't come frequently anymore. I watched Bridge to Terabithia with L last week and we talked about it afterwards. We talked mostly of the regret Jesse felt when he didn't ask his friend to the museum. I warned L when he popped the DVD into the player that it was a sad one, and it didn't disappoint. I felt myself freely crying, as if my ability to empathize was somehow heightened. The next day, as I drove to work I also began to cry. My missing him is complicated.

This is one of my favorite pictures of him. It's a passport photo, taken at an Underground station after work one day. He often had his mouth open in pictures, but in this one he also looks like he is looking through the lens to some other place. He looks pure, almost like a lost child, even though he filled the photo booth like a giant. That's my old world.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are my favorite writer S, I've decided this based on many sentences before this one but because of this one sentence I feel I must write you and say, I admire you and love you very much. "He looks pure, almost like a lost child, even though he filled the photo booth like a giant."
Recently my middle son, you know the one, toothy grin, loud voice...he said to me out of the blue, "Do you think Tim misses us?" I was taken back at first but managed to say, "You? Absolutely." I still don't know where the answer came from but I'm glad for it. He was very pleased with me and said, "well yeah, me and S of course, he misses her the most." That's is something I am also sure of. Thanks for the photo of him, it's been a while since I've seen him. Interestingly enough today I went to the YMCA and every time I go there I think of you. Must have been what I needed to visit your blog and cry tonight. Thanks for these tears. I love you.