Thursday, June 15, 2006

Me on film

We finally watched Breaking the Waves last night. I had seen it many years ago (college, I think), and I was struck by a couple of things last night: the innocence of Bess (played by Emily Watson), the theme of being an outsider in a desolate place, religion which entombs rather than enfolds its congregation in love, and the concept of salvation through self-destruction. I found the film painful to watch, but very beautiful. I wanted L to see it because the director is Danish and because it is so different than many of the things we have watched together. Why is it the movies I pick make us cry, when the movies he picks just let us escape?

I had an epiphany while in Canada, and I have felt better ever since. I had been doing a lot if vivid remembering of things from the past and feeling ridiculously sad and full of self blame. It was way much more than I could handle and I was beginning to understand the meaning of PTSD, which I have questioned at times as being a real thing. But I basically took hold of my psyche and shook it, and lectured myself by saying, "Why do you keep going over this, blaming yourself and thinking about it. It's not your fault." It's funny, because this sounds so similar to Good Will Hunting, a movie I love, in the scene where Will accepts that his past and childhood were experiences out of his control, and yet getting the girl is within his power. L told me that he didn't really get into the movie, but I wonder if it is a part of the realism vs. escapism that exists in our TV room and between us. But maybe not. I made him watch several movies about Rwanda, and then of course the very upsetting Mystic River. I think I am a lot like my father in that we use dates to remind ourselves of the past. I do too, but I also remember watching Mystic River the night I left my first husband. I was terrified, not of the movie but of what the hell I was going to do.

My favorite place to watch films (besides home) is the Railroad Square Cinema. I used to go with my friend in high school and see foreign films there, and I have seen so many through the years. I don't go as often now but they have the best popcorn and better seats since the original cinema burned down and in its place a new and yet not megloplex was built. I love going alone, although having a partner there is nice too. Maybe that's my escape.

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