Friday, June 09, 2006

White Flash

I had a flashback a few minutes ago when washing my face with a face cloth. A long, silvery hair touched my face and when I pulled the cloth away I recognized it distinctly- it is my father's. I flashed back to a point early in my widowhood. I was 30 years old and living at my parent's house while I got my psychic shit together. I was cursing my rotten life which included finding these long, errant hairs everywhere, including my tooth brush. A kind friend gave me a sensible gift of a tooth brush head cover, which saved me much aggravation. I called it my tooth brush condom. I remember now that while I was in Canada, my mom took our laundry home, including this cloth which she used. I suppose my added aggravation comes from the fact that my father has long hair, and my hair is growing ever so slowly.

My father didn't always have long hair. In the past 4 years he has changed a lot. Gone is the conservative father who raised me, and in his place is a man who politically and spiritually has turned a new leaf. My friends in school were scared of him, and although I never was I think he was at the cusp of change when I really began to grow up and start to make decisions of my own. Republican is now Democrat; Congregational is now Quaker; Trimmed short hair is now a long braid, and so on. I've stopped worrying what my father thinks of me, now that he's made such a change. I can see in many ways that he's still the same person, and it's taken me this long to realize that acceptance is really a self-directed decision. I accept that he will always be an outsider, as I accept that I am on the outside of many situations, having a little conversation in my head to help me get through the awkwardness.

Flash back to now. I hope my hair is the same color as his when I grow older. It's a nice soft white.

1 comment:

CBK said...

Holy crap, I HAVE to see a picture of your dad with long hair! I didn't know he'd undergone such a transformation.