Hyperbolic Hermitage

The last

2008-12-17T20:31:00.001-05:00

This blog has come to an end. There is nothing else to write (for now), so I wish you happy holidays and happy lifetimes. Thanks for reading. It has meant a lot.

Musical weaponry

2008-12-11T19:46:00.004-05:00

They used it to force Manuel Noreiga out of exile in an embassy in Panama, and now the United States is using it too. I'm not talking about the 24 hour Christmas radio stations here, but torture. I caught this article the other day in one of our local papers. It was on the back page. Read the article.

I suppose that copyright and human rights have no place in government detention centers. Blaring music as benign as the Sesame Street theme, to as raucous as NIN, over and over make people break down. I know how I feel when I hear too much Nickleback. The military uses it "to create fear, disorient ... and prolong capture shock."

I like Tom Morello's take on it:

Morello, of Rage Against the Machine, has been especially forceful in denouncing the practice. During a recent concert in San Francisco, he proposed taking revenge on President George W. Bush. "I suggest that they level Guantanamo Bay, but they keep one small cell and they put Bush in there ... and they blast some Rage Against the Machine," he said to whoops and cheers.

What music would drive you insane?

Child rearing its ugly head

2008-12-04T12:21:00.003-05:00

This is me being honest. This is me being not nice. This is me judging.

Please forgive me.

Yesterday we had 2 families visit the library that make me aware of my blood pressure rising up a notch every time they step across the threshold. Both families have at 5least 5 children between the ages of 1 and 9 (and counting since one of the moms is pregnant again), and each brood is being home schooled by their grouchy, negligent, inept mothers. The children are a little scattered. I (mainly) forgive them, because I don't think that there is much structure in their lives, and after all they are kids. I imagine the future of one set of kids, and there is plenty of sexism, booze and infidelity in this vision. The other set of children seem more grounded, despite their mother preaching to them that they "must obey her." I could scoop several of these children up and take them home, since I see a new generation of co-dependence and low self esteem unfolding. I know I don't have a lot of experience with parenting, or have a degree in child psychology, but I think having children means enjoying them, even when they challenge your patience. When both the families left, and no one else was around, I whispered to one of my staff. I said, "I have 2 words for you: birth control." I should have added "public school," "know your limitations," and "WTF!"

Seriously, I know that being a parent is tough. I try to remember 2 of the 7 principles of Unitarian Universalism during these frayed visits. One is recognizing the inherent worth and dignity of every person, and the other is justice, equity and compassion in human relations. I try, I really do, but I still question why it is that some have so much, and others do not, and why I seem destined to be childless.

Burn baby burn

2008-12-02T20:25:00.003-05:00

Today I received a real gift. My municipality's wellness committee provided chair massages today. I signed up for it a few weeks ago but I didn't imagine how relaxing and wonderful I would feel afterwards. I recommend it. This week I am doing the work of 4 different people, and I am feeling like I am burning out a bit. My director is gone for a week so I am standing in for her, and I continue to fill in for our librarian who will be starting in January, I am doing the work of our admin, who is out for the unforeseeable future, and I am trying to do my own work too. It's all too much. But, even though I had 4 small pieces of chocolate today I did work out for a half hour and felt...good afterwards. Good start.

Advent, or the first of many days

2008-12-01T17:28:00.003-05:00

I received a wonderful package last week. I have been getting a lot of packages from publishing houses because I am on an award committee for the state for children's lit, but this came in a colorful package that held inside an advent calendar! I have lots of good memories of Christmas anticipation because of the advent calendars my mom had for us. This one came from my aunt and it features a beautiful scene created by the talented Maine artist Kim Jacobs. Thanks Aunt Sue!

Since I am trying to make some positive changes in my life, I thought I would share something every day with you, rather than consuming it myself. So when you visit the blog this month, picture yourself opening the little window on the advent calendar and seeing what could be hiding behind it. Today, I present you with the easiest recipe on earth:

Easy Beer Bread

3 cups of self-rising flour
½ cup sugar
1-12 ounce can of beer

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix 3 ingredients and spoon into bread pan.
Bake for 50 minutes. If desired, take out after 50 minutes and brush butter on top. Bake for another 5 minutes.

You may use whatever beer you like, but darker beers, or even flavored beer gives the bread an interesting taste. Enjoy!

The many reasons why I should do this...

2008-11-29T18:44:00.005-05:00

1.A basement full of gym equipment.

2. Many pairs of too tight trousers.

3. Self esteem that waxes and wanes, and is fed by and denied by food.

4. 7 months until my 35th birthday.

5. A great husband who loves me no matter what I look like.

6. A need to stop the ridiculous cycle of joining Weight Watchers and losing weight, but never reaching my goal or maintaining my weight loss.

I am have decided to to join Blog To Fit. I saw it on Tom's blog and decided that this might actually work for me. I can combine blogging, which I like, with this struggle. I had begun to think that my blog was becoming pretty meaningless. We will see.

Hairy thankfulness

2008-11-26T20:08:00.005-05:00

Today I had to suppress a guffaw after hearing a grandmother's disappointment that my library does not hold the film Harry and the Hendersons. She thought it would be great for her grandchildren, who were with her today. The irony was that the children's father is Lars' new boss! Hm. Who am I to judge? I have some particular tastes in movies and books, and although I try not to let that affect my buying for work, it does seep in. You'll notice that in our kids' video section, where you will find all the Muppet movies, some Mister Rogers episodes, the Best of the Electric Company, some classic movies like The Red Balloon and White Mane, and many, many Sesame Street videos. My favorite authors include Simon James, Allan Ahlberg, Amy Rosenthal, Bernard Waber, David Elliott, Jon Muth, and Melissa Sweet. I usually buy all of their stuff for the collection. There are thousands and thousands of books for children published each year, and I am responsible for choosing the best ones for my public. It can be hard.

I am thankful that you read my words. I am also thankful for the best partner and friend in the world, for fresh vegetables, new friends, hope and yarn.

Baking and blowing

2008-11-25T09:36:00.004-05:00

There's a storm brewing...outside. I hear the rain against the windows, the wind blew the chairs off the deck and power outages are occurring around the state. My fingers are crossed that it doesn't happen here, since I just made this pumpkin cheesecake and it's happily baking in my oven. I cooked the pumpkin myself from a couple of pie pumpkins my parents gave me. We will have a quiet Thanksgiving with some friends.

I've been having little worry attacks the last few days, and I don't know why. Must breathe, must breathe.

Some days, and other home stuff

2008-11-23T12:17:00.007-05:00

Sunday used to be my worst day of the week. All the composure and busyness of my work week slipped down into the last day, and left me feeling tired, trapped, and alone. Now I cling on to Sunday as long as I can, since the day after Sunday is the start of another week of work. So when I sat at church this morning, which was a lay led Thanksgiving service and went way beyond the normal hour, I couldn't help but wanting to be outside in the sun, despite the 20 something degree weather. It seems many of the things that I love about my life have become a task, or even work-like. I hope this comes to an end soon.

One thing that never seems like hard work, is my marriage. I don't know how, but somehow serendipitously I was given the chance to do things right, and make things right. I met Lars for dinner at 8 Friday night, me coming from home and he coming straight from work. We were celebrating his new job offer! I waited for him to arrive, and when he suddenly appeared I was filled with love. That's what it's like for us.

I finally finished this bag for my mom:

It's made from worsted weight yarn from Peace Fleece. The color is Kamchatka Seamoss. Peace Fleece is really a neat company with a tremendous concept. I like the idea of buying something local that came from so far.

Our search for the perfect utensil holder ended the other day at Target.

This is actually an ice bucket, but it's the perfect height and width for all the kitchen trinkets we have collected.

Fall photos

2008-11-18T15:52:00.003-05:00

Autumn on the farm

Me, in my wellies, about to take apart my gardens

Celebrating Liz's birthday

Window at the BPL

Fall leaves

Oh, pudding

2008-11-18T15:39:00.003-05:00

I just made 4 batches of pudding for a finger painting activity after a story time I am hosting tomorrow night. It's a special event for a Head Start visit. This isn't my usual group, so I hope it goes okay. I suspect it will be scantily attended because it's happening between 5 and 6 (I didn't choose the time). That's not my prime time personally, but I will try as hard as I can.

Today the bank across the street from the library was robbed! I paid particularly close attention to the description of the suspect from the newspaper, because I could see him coming into the library. It was a fairly generic description. Who knows who it is. We do have CCTV but it's more for the scare factor. The feed cannot be accessed by tape, only online which I discovered does not work. It all makes me wonder this: what does it take to be a police officer? Do I have it? Maybe this is just an occupational fantasy of mine...

Joy to my world

2008-11-15T14:26:00.003-05:00

I love the winter holidays. I love the feeling of promise the new year brings, the gathering of friends, the music, the food, the evergreen, and giving. This year in particular I am aware that I don't have the means nor the time to give to all how I would like. When I mean give, I don't mean waking up at 3 a.m. after Thanksgiving day to get the best deals. Giving to me is as big and small as sending a note, baking, or reaching out. This year I seem overloaded with committees and work (which includes filling in while my boss tends to her mother, who is battling cancer). My knitting has fallen by the wayside, 99% of my reading is for the various book groups I facilitate, plus the book award committee I am on. I barely have time for me (and Lars).

Hopefully I will experience a renaissance of time later in December, and be able to enjoy this time as I have in the past. We should be getting snow soon, so we can break out the snowtubes and enjoy another season of unfiltered, childhood joy.

Wonderful dilemma

2008-11-14T20:25:00.002-05:00

This week was very disjointed to me with a Tuesday holiday, having gotten up at 3:30 a.m. to get my parents up and on the road. They made their transition from Maine to Florida, and I already miss my Mom. I spent the rest of my Veterans' Day visiting an old high school friend whom I recently reconnected with on Facebook. I think we are more kindred than I ever realized. We became friends in high school. It was my senior year, and we shared a table in art class. I was completing my art requirement and she was actually an artist. I let her cut my hair that year, shortly before I graduated Then we lost touch. We met for coffee and month ago and we realized that we both experienced similar situations in our first marriages, and our lives took us places we never expected. So it's nice to have a friend not too far away.

I went to Boston recently, and on the bus ride I read Elizabeth McCracken's An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination. I'm beginning to worry that I am pigeon holing my reading to only stories of loss. The book is beautiful.

Our pellet stoves are now installed and an unintended consequence of this new warmth is me falling asleep on the couch while watching TV, only to wake up at 2 a.m. with a bad TV movie blaring in the background. It's a wonderful dilemma.

Banded

2008-11-11T20:00:00.003-05:00

I was thinking today, especially on Veterans' Day, that it's important to recognize people who sacrifice a lot to make things better in the world. Maybe it's my euphoria after Barack Obama's win one week ago. I burst into tears when I heard his win announced at 11 p.m. last Tuesday. I feel really proud right now. My vote counted! I feel hopeful again about the country.

Today I am thinking of Richard Winters, who was prominently featured in Stephen Ambrose's book Band of Brothers. Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks would adapt it later into the terrific HBO program by the same name. Winters is someone I admire greatly. He also wrote a book, and I have photocopied this passage and have it behind my desk as a reminder.

Leadership at the Point of the Bayonet
Ten Principles for Success
Major Dick Winters
Easy Company, 506th PIR, 101st Airborne Div.
“The Band of Brothers”

1. Strive to be a leader of character, competence, and courage.

2. Lead from the front. Say, “Follow me!” and then lead the way.

3. Stay in top physical shape—physical stamina is the root of mental toughness.

4. Develop your team. If you know your people, are fair in setting realistic goals and expectations, and lead by example, you will develop teamwork.

5. Delegate responsibility to your subordinates and let them do their jobs. You can’t do a good job if you don’t have a chance to use your imagination and creativity.

6. Anticipate problems and prepare to overcome obstacles. Don’t wait until you get to the top of the ridge and then make up your mind.

7. Remain humble. Don’t worry about who receives the credit. Never let power or authority go to your head.

8. Take a moment of self-reflection. Look at yourself in the mirror every night and ask yourself if you did your best.

9. True satisfaction comes from getting the job done. They key to a successful leader is to earn respect—not because of rank or position, but because you are a leader of character.

10. Hang Tough!—Never, ever, give up.

From Beyond Band of Brothers, The War Memoirs of Major Dick Winters, by Dick Winters and Col. Cole C. Kingseed. New York: Berkley Publishing Group, 2006. page 293.

Maybe this seems a little hokey to you, that little old me would be inspired by a WWII Army Major, but I find inspiration in all sorts of places.

BFF?

2008-11-05T08:49:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking about un-friending myself with a few people on Facebook. I think my argument against having them as "friends" is strong since we never really exchanged any correspondence when they asked me to be my friend, and in the 15 years since I have seen them we really have nothing in common. We don't live in the same communities, we don't share common values, and we don't add any positive impact on each other's lives except raise the tally of their friend's list on the website. Am I thinking about this too much?

Excused absence

2008-11-03T19:38:00.002-05:00

I miss you...

My relationship with you all has been cut short by the 2 non-functioning computers that live at my house. All weekend I thought of things I wanted to blog about but couldn't. These thoughts included the beach glass I picked up while visiting a friend on the coast, my feelings about the Day of the Dead and the altar I have constructed in my head, or the thrill of dancing in the dark in the living room with my husband late Saturday night.

Did you miss me?

Hopefully systems will be a go soon, so your lives can move on too!

My man can

2008-10-20T18:12:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, in a fit of domesticity and homebodiness I decided to make a galette, plant bulbs and clean up one of my perennial beds. I pealed the apples and pears, chopped up some cranberries and made two different galettes, one plain apple cinnamon and one with pears, apples, cranberries and maple sugar. As those baked and I headed out the door with my wellies, I popped a couple of cinnamon sticks in a pan on the burner to simmer. I thought it might make the house smell nice. I really got into the yard work, even raking up and composting the wood that was left after Lars planned some boards. When I finally came inside to check my baking, it had gotten really brown on top (brownish/black) and the water had evaporated in the pan on the stove, filling the house with the scent of scorched cinnamon. I shut the burner off, took the galettes out and pulled off the uglier bits, and laughed. Something always suffers for something else. I was just glad that nothing was ruined, and glad that it wasn't one of Lars' good pans.

That's right, my spouse came with cookware and the ability to use it!
Calphalon pans! Wine glasses! Cook books! We have very different cooking styles though. I'm more paint by numbers and he's more Jackson Pollack, but neither of us suffer for it (with the exception of our cook books).

Sick technology

2008-10-19T06:32:00.003-05:00

My laptop has been a little sick, not unlike me a week or so ago, so I haven't posted in a while. 4 day work weeks tend to be hectic, cramming 5 days of work into 4. We interviewed 2 candidates for the vacant position at work. I also had the pleasure of reading at my favorite Head Start site. They always make me feel so good. I've recently had a surge of gladness about my work, and an honest desire to learn more. That replaces my somewhat bitter work-self, who counts the days until pay day and wastes a lot of time. Maybe it was the great article in the paper, or a burst of confidence. I don't know.

I also had a chance to spend some time with my mom, which is always a treat. She'll soon be going to FL, and I will miss her much.

Putting the bed to bed

2008-10-12T19:18:00.003-05:00

I cleaned out the lasagna bed today, which included ripping out the cannibal morning glories. They choked out many of the plants nearby the metal trellis that we put in the center of the bed. I left the chives, oregano, catnip and celeriac be and planted crocus and grape hyacinth bulbs to enjoy in the spring. This is the last bouquet of the year, placed in the .25 creamer I got at a yardsale.

450

2008-10-11T06:45:00.003-05:00

Hey! This is my 450th post!

To celebrate I will share more mundane aspects of my personal life. Like:

-I have a three day weekend!

-There are muddy paw prints on one of the couches and I really should vacuum, but we loaned the vacuum cleaner to my mom.

-We are going to see the Dropkick Murphy's. This will make up for having to leave before they came on stage back in July.

-I need to clean out the lasagna garden and put the winter crocus and grape hyacinth bulbs in.

-I've decided to rent a booth at the church bazaar and sell fulled gift bags, as well as purses and felted cat toys. This will be a test to see if I can create enough stock to sell, and have enough patience to sit and deal with "customers."

-I recently was interviewed for our local paper, and they actually did a fine job. No misquotes and an okay picture. It was great library advocacy.

That's all. We are still in the midst of home repairs, and Lars has recently applied for a new job. Oh, and we got a 50" plasma TV, which makes for great watching! I am trying to nurse the watching of the Wire, since I hate for it to end.

She uses a machete to cut through red tape

2008-10-04T17:23:00.002-05:00

Last night we went to see Cake at a local liberal arts college. It's one of those prestigious schools that costs over 50 grand a year to attend and 18 year-olds drive Volvos their daddies bought for them. Before the show we ate at Big G's, and then we went to our favorite indie music store. There we saw a man who seemed to be coughing a lot, and then we realized he probably was defecating himself in the corner, past the rap rack and the movies. I walked past Lars who was walking away from him and I thought it seemed a little foul. I felt so bad for him, and for humanity, on different levels. Being in public service is very 2 sided. You want to help people but you can't help but be jaded. Why do people seem to be void of basic social skills, like asking where the restroom is, or even being aware of their hygiene.

Cake was great. It was one of the better shows I have seen. Great horn, great sounds, and of course lots of memories of listening to "Fashion Nugget" over and over. Their opener was the Winterpills from Western MA. Mostly I was just happy to be with Lars. He's done a lot of work on the house this week. I think I've decided on the wall color for our living room: Tangerine.

Today was my kind of day. I spoke to my mom, got the groceries, picked up some knitting needles at the new yarn shop in town (Wooly Mama's), and came home and cooked and baked. I did a little work for my committee too, and I watched The Wire.

This church committee has worn me down considerably. There is lots of conflict right now between old members and the current minister, as well as lots of drama over some changes being made. I wasn't aware of the history of misconduct in the church when I interviewed for the position. I was being pragmatic about it all, but probably naive. I am beginning to feel that I will probably leave the church once my commitment to the committee is fulfilled. I think spirituality and some sort of faith is important, but right now I just want the time to be able to breathe.

Cake, to eat and listen to

2008-09-30T20:07:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is our 3rd wedding anniversary. I have a book group in the evening and Lars is working until 8, so the celebration will be quiet. I still have lots to be happy about.

I'm so glad I decided to be open about life, and be open to love. Dating again after marriage was probably the most nerve wracking thing I've experienced, besides having Mojo in the car while having a flat tire. After a short period of time e-mailing, plus many evenings of wine and working up the courage to call, I finally spoke to Lars in person. I had a hard time sensing how things were going those first few weeks, but I assumed he was interested in me because he still was calling. 4 months later we moved in together, and 9 months after we met we married. I met the male version of me, my kindred spirit, who puts up with my quirks (and I of his) and supports me through my struggles.

We are going to see Cake on Friday, more celebrating!

Humiliation with a capital H

2008-09-25T19:38:00.003-05:00

I experienced a humiliating blow last week.

I decided to use one of the perks provided to me by my work, the Employee Assistance Program (EAP). I consider the service a short-term, check your head kind of thing. I used it a few years ago when I was having difficulty, and since my work pays for it I decided to go again. It's a kind of short term counseling service. My recent negative spin was becoming ridiculous, so I thought talking to someone who could help me find a way to address the problem would be good. As I described my problem with the woman (whom I picked randomly from a list of names provided by the program), I realized that I had seen her somewhere before. Not only had I seen her at my work, I also saw her at a political caucus this past spring. I didn't find that particularly awkward, but something about her was very distracting to me. She was YAWNING throughout the whole session. I felt like pulling a Rodney Dangerfield and should have said, "What, are my problems keeping you up?"

Clearly our session helped, because I decided to be the bigger person and laugh about it. Then I cancelled our next visit.

Relax

2008-09-24T19:06:00.003-05:00

Wonder where I've been? Concerned that I was trapped under a boulder, or worse, under a mound of church search committee surveys? Close. My week has been full of meetings, reading, data entry of said church surveys, plus the departure of a co-worker and the pending vacation of my boss. That means I get to be the boss for 2 weeks! Let's hope nothing catastrophic happens while she is away. Other than that my knitting has slowed to a near halt, but we are about to embark on some major home renovations, which is exciting. Tonight I relax with ANTM and some ice cream. Relax...

Super size your man pole now

2008-09-16T12:07:00.001-05:00

This was the title of an e-mail that showed up in my department e-mail yesterday. I could see some job security in writing e-mail titles for spam.

Teena!

2008-09-15T09:02:00.002-05:00

I was an advocate for having Nora Dunn coming back on SNL to play Sarah Palin, but Tina was brilliant. Brilliant!

Hanging out, or eew

2008-09-11T19:23:00.004-05:00

I had the swell idea of of having a date night once a month, dressing up (or not), visiting new spots, relaxing, enjoying one another. I did a little research, knowing that in a couple towns over there is a public sauna. Given that Lars is Scandinavian, thought it would be both romantic and relaxing to surprise him and bring him there. I also knew of it from my dad, who visited the place with friends.

I went online and to get some details and found something very shocking and a huge decider that we would not be going to the sauna: CLOTHING OPTIONAL!

My brother hinted that my dad is a bit of a naturalist, but this really hit home. I can't imagine going to this place and seeing my wrinkled old dad, hanging out (literally) with a bunch of other strangers. What particularly annoys me is that my dad has visited this place before without my mom. Now I know why.

Birdie

2008-09-09T21:01:00.002-05:00

I popped by the station to visit Lars on Saturday. He brought me over to see an injured bird that several people had reported to the station. It sat in the corner of a bank parking lot, sitting very still and holding its wing awkwardly. Lars called a bird rehab center I knew of from home, and they offered to take it. Lars was working, so that meant that I had to take the bird. I begrudgingly agreed to take the bird, as long as I didn't have to touch it.

My first response when seeing an injured bird would be this: leave it alone, circle of life, etc. This is because I am DEATHLY afraid of birds. I have a few fears, but being around birds is incredibly frightening to me. Lars poked many holes in a cardboard box and placed the bird inside of it. I could see the box in my rear view mirror and I half expected a very pissed off crow pop out of the box and attack me, my car flying off the very rural road and my body discovered a long time afterwards. 45 minutes later I arrived at the bird center, where I saw a couple of people working on an injured hawk that was the size of a small dog. My heart was going boom-ba ba, boom ba-ba. The woman in the office told me I could bring the bird in, which I did. I gingerly carried the box, amazed about how light it was. When I got inside, I told the lady about my fear. She deftly took charge, handling the very pissed off bird, who pinched her fingers and squawked. She said that the bird was a juvenile and appeared to have a fracture high in the wing and was favoring one foot. I thanked her, left a donation and drove home. The bird's wing was splinted and it is healing.

Where does fear come from? My childhood dealings with chickens probably frames this fear. The chickens were mean, smelled, brought rats to the farm and were a chore I shared with my brother. It just makes me wonder...

P-hose

2008-09-07T13:06:00.003-05:00

I love domesticity. I have actually grown to love it. My siblings could tell you how I used to say that I was never going to learn to drive. I'd live in a city, take public transport, and eat off of paper plates. I was destined for that life, and did live it for a little while. I suppose I got greener and decided that paper plates were a waste of paper, and that I actually enjoy making things and washing dishes. But is that a waste of water?

The pantyhose thread in my last post started me thinking about resourceful moms, who make do with what they have. My mom still relishes little luxuries. We share many of the same tastes in things, although I am weirder and more eclectic. I sometimes read Heloise in the paper and feel slightly elitist. Sometimes this resourcefulness has an underbelly of hoarding, when you have lots of uses for some stuff that really should be thrown out. But, it makes me think. What else can you do with pantyhose:

-Makes a great face mask when robbing a store or bank
-Strain lumpy paint
-Tie up annoying siblings
-Use it to tie back hair
-Store bulbs
-An old Girl Scout leader of mine put leftover bits of soap in pantyhose and brought it on camping trips. I should have remembered that with my soap felting
-My mom puts mint in a tied-off pantyhose foot and boils it with the liquid when she makes mint jelly

Patty Griffin - Rain

2008-09-06T17:47:00.001-05:00

I heard on the radio the other day that Cake is playing at a local liberal arts college. But, unless I crash the show, tickets are not to be had since it's a private show. I was thinking about some of the people I'd love to hear live, and came up with a short list in the car the other night. They were: Cake, Jeremy Fisher, Patty Griffin, and Brandy Carlile. All are folky except Cake. Anyway, when we got home I checked my e-mail and saw a notice from Ticketmaster: Patty Griffin is opening for the Swell Season show we are going to in a few weeks! Serendipity.

Socks and such and starting all over again

2008-08-27T06:02:00.007-05:00

I have discovered the secret behind smooth, felted soaps. The irony is that I can't stand the stuff! I've always had an adverse relationship to pantyhose, feeling that they must have been created by a man to torture generations of women. Maybe it's because when you pull them out of their package they resemble shrunken limbs and they never quite fit exactly. You haven't lived unless you've walked around all day in a pair of pantyhose that are ripped in the crotch. Somehow that area is never quite reinforced enough and manages to shred with a little tug.

Anyway, after ruining too many bars of soap I sought advice online and saw that many people slip their roving wrapped soap into the foot of stockings, tie them off and then felt that way. It works AMAZINGLY! All things must have a purpose...Now I must buy a washboard.

My socks I'm working on, well they suck. But, you must start somewhere. I borrowed this book from another library and I'm going to get a copy for myself.

It is fantastic! The pattern I am using right now was one I found online and it's just a little too convoluted, so I'm going to start all over again.

Making my feet happy

2008-08-25T08:00:00.003-05:00

I'm making socks.

My impetus for making the socks are a pair of Birkenstock sandals. I figure that by the time I finish them, all sandals will be on sale because fall will be in full swing. I like shoes. I already probably have too many but that's okay. I like to make my feet happy.

I'm beginning to understand why people like knitting things for children. The projects are smaller and quicker. Of course, since I don't have children I don't have the distractions of children. I'm distracted by other things, like the need to exercise, or work, both my 9-5 job and my committee work. I'm starting to despise meetings. I'm developing a mantra for when people ask me to be on committees: "Thank you for thinking of me but I am overextended right now."

Pictures disappered...

2008-08-24T19:07:00.003-05:00

Damn you, Picasa! Why didn't you warn me sooner that if I erased images they would also disappear from my past posts? Why did I decide to explorer Blogger perks? This also leads me to wonder: do people read old posts once they discover a blog?

Today we took a motorcycle ride to Pemaquid Point, where there's a lovely lighthouse. I've discovered that being a passenger on a motorcycle is a form of submission. You must relax, put your trust in the driver who has your safety in mind, and enjoy the ride. I'm a bad passenger in general, but I am trying.

Me, enjoying the ocean view at Pemaquid with an ice cream

We be famous

2008-08-23T06:38:00.002-05:00

See if you can't find us in the article about the proposed wind farm!

Amiable

2008-08-22T20:16:00.003-05:00

Ugh. I just realized that a song that I have been hearing a lot on the radio is actually a Steely Dan song. This is a band that usually gets on my nerves (kind of like Rush, sorry Bryan!) but I'm really digging "Dirty Work." I suppose I like it because I am kind of a sucker, or in kinder terms "amiable."

It was a rough week at work.

My counterpart gave her resignation. She will leave in 4 weeks. She had begin to alienate our patrons, offending some of the kindest, sweetest people I know. She was unprofessional, and obviously felt as if the job was below her. Honey, I've got 2 masters degrees and I chose to work in a public library. That means we answer the phones, shut the water off when the toilet overflows and have to do with some real characters. Was this what i planned my career to be? Maybe not, but public libraries are the same the world around.

I am contemplating applying for her position, although maybe the better thing for me to do is really advocate for someone who has a sense of humor, is fair but kind and has had significant experience working with a diverse public. I don't know. I like working there but I need a little change. Would working with adults be appealing to me?

Irish boys make me sad

2008-08-18T18:29:00.002-05:00

I love the title of this post. It came to me while I was IMing a friend, and it was in reference to the singer Damien Rice and the band Snow Patrol. I was telling my friend that I needed some new music, and we were throwing our favorite bands back and forth. I happen to like non-traditional Irish music, although I like the twiddle-dee-dee stuff too.

When I first met Tim he referred to me as a culchie, which I thought was a sweet name for a country girl but someone set me straight and said it was more like the Gaelic word for country bumpkin. My fatal romanticism once again haunts me.

In honor of the Irish boys who make me sad and other culchie girls everywhere, I plan to make colcannon with kale tomorrow. I got some kale in my CSA and I think this is a great way to use it. I tried roasting the kale before but got distracted and ended up with something that resembled charred sea weed.

Yesterday I found 2 4-leaf clovers! I was thinking of my Aunt while I looked through the clump of grass, who reminded me of thinking positively this weekend. Thanks, Sue. You are on to something, I think.

Bookish

2008-08-16T10:05:00.003-05:00

Today is day one of a two day book sale fundraiser for my library, sponsored by our Friends. I popped over to see what they had available, which was a mix of titles. Initially it didn't look like much but I found lots of great things.

An armful of books cost me a whopping $11.50. It's a small start toward the $5.5 million to be raised.

Have you noticed the little folk tale I have added to my page?

There is a terrible forest fire. All the animals are fleeing the conflagration except hummingbird, who is flying back and forth, scooping up little slivers of water from a spring and dumping them on the flames. "What do you think you're doing, stupid little bird?" the other animals ask derisively, and Hummingbird says, "I'm doing what I can."

by Wangari Maathai

I'm trying to be mindful of this.

Fruit correction

2008-08-14T12:26:00.002-05:00

According to an article I just read on MSNBC, "Burger King will use U.S. grown apples that are cut and packaged in a sterile environment and subjected to a pre-wash that contains lemon to keep them from turning brown, said Burger King spokesman Keva Silversmith." I thought they were fried, since they weren't brown. Still, marketing apples to look like french fries still seems like brainwashing...

Sneaky fruit (not to be confused with strange fruit)

2008-08-13T17:00:00.005-05:00

I was driving up the avenue today, coming back from an errand when I saw this on the billboard sign at Burger King: Apple Fries.

What will they think of next to fry? Broccoli? Is the popularity of authors like Jessica Seinfeld (Deceptively delicious) and Missy Lapine (The Sneaky chef) forced fast food to try to compete and convince children that if they are going to eat healthy food then it must first be destroyed by oil? The thought of deep fried fruit scares me, although I sincerely miss good fish and chips. Call my hypocritical, but batter belongs on fish and not fruit and vegetables.

Give it away now

2008-08-11T19:43:00.004-05:00

I went on Craigslist today to see if I could trade something I have for some good quality wool yarn. I didn't find anything but I was struck by someone seeking some infant clothing for a yet to be born nephew. I shot her off an e-mail, since I have been collecting baby clothes for a few years. It seems silly to horde the stuff when I don't really need it, so I am sending a pile of new onesies, sleepers and other outfits to someone who needs them.

A trade secret if you ever deep on a holds list for something new at the library: request large print! After waiting 2 weeks I wised up and cancelled my hold, then placed one on a LP copy today and now David Sedaris' When You Are Engulfed in Flames is on its way.

Chapeau

2008-08-10T21:17:00.003-05:00

"Cat in a hat - in French it's chat chapeau - in Spanish, it's a gato in a sombrero." from Cat in the Hat by Dr. Suess

I finished my hat. It's made from Noro Kureyon, which is a hand dyed Japanese yarn. It reminds me of a Maine sunset. Bring on winter. I'm ready.

It's only August 10th but I see summer as being over. I looked at my calendar to make plans to go hiking with a friend, and there is just 3 weekends left until September. I have Sunday meetings every week for my ministerial search committee, which seems to tighten my lazy weekends. I dislike all the meetings I have to attend, between work and church. It feels limiting to me. I suppose it's forcing me to be outwards when I really long to be safe inside somewhere.

The return

2008-08-07T13:03:00.004-05:00

Returning home after a short time away reminds me how much I like home, pet fur and all. Lars reminded me yesterday that we had travelled about 1/3 of our continent. He drove many miles in this short period of time. We got to do many things like swim a in Great Lake nearly every day, sleep in, sit around by the fire at night, enjoy beer, read on the beach in the wonderful Canadian sun. The trip is always long but affirms that we'd maybe like to live there some day.

We made a quick stop in Montreal at IKEA. I've picked out a couple furniture styles and so we got a chance to look around and test some couches. It was a dream come true.

Home is cool and has been rainy all week. Our house is damp and a little smelly. It's a far cry from the past week. Who knew I'd return from Canada with a tan?

Taking care of business

2008-07-27T05:20:00.003-05:00

We'll be driving off to Ontario in a few days. We're going to a family reunion up on Lake Huron. I love the change of pace of this travel but dislike what the long drive does to me. It's a weird sense of travel lag, not unlike jet lag. We often leave in the middle of the night, so there's a sense of exhaustion that takes a while to get over. I have a couple of books (Tales of the City, Plenty, Olive Farm, plus some books for the committee I am a member of). I'll bring some knitting too. I plan to sit by the water with my ipod and relax.

My mom has been selling my bags at my parent's business, which has gone really well. 2 bags sold within the first day, and I have a few more to send over. Now a local cafe owner would like to sell some. Their biggest market is a small environmental college, which fits with the things I create. I've been experimenting with felted soaps too. In some ways I feel like the knitting itself isn't the best, but the more I knit, the better I get. Or maybe that's my perfectionism creeping in.

Mitts

2008-07-25T17:44:00.003-05:00

So, I finally finished the mittens. They will be nice and warm during our long winter. They aren't perfect, but they work for me. Socks will be my next project.

More later this weekend.

Unsolicited meat

2008-07-20T19:27:00.004-05:00

I'm back.

We survived the Fresh Air Fund experience, I survived my birthday, and I feel as if this has been one of the best summers I have had for a long time.

My birthday day started by oversleeping. After we dropped the FAK off at the bus, we went to pick up some dog food. There at the pet store they always have a couple of cats from a local cat rescue that are on display for adoption. The cat there had a little display card that read her name and a few pieces of information about her. I fell in love. We left the store with Mojo and Merlin's food and went to the shelter to fill out the paperwork. We brought her home a few hours later. She was called Dana but I have renamed her Siobhan. That's pronounced She-von. Boo Radley would have been a better name, since she is a bit shy, but once you approach her she is a real love. She rubs against you maniacally and purrs like a lawnmower. She's small and very feminine, but scrappy. She's adjusting to the other animals and new digs. I really love her. The girl to guy ratio is now 2 to 4. Girl power!

My girl Siobhan

Oliver and the alien kitty
The weirdest thing that happened on my birthday involved meat. We were looking at some baby birds in our hedge when we saw a junky looking small van with worn off lettering reading Atlantic Beef. The van pulled up and a guy popped out. He and his associate looked really rough. He said this: "We're in the neighborhood selling meat and we've got some nice meat for a wicked good deal if you are interested." Lars and I turned to one another and laughed and he told them we are vegetarians. Who buys unsolicited meat?

Loving today

2008-07-16T16:34:00.004-05:00

Two days ago I heard a little girl tell her grandmoher, as they left the library, "I love today." I liked her sentiment. The jaded side of me wanted to say, "Wait 20 years and see how you feel." Still, I like fresh optimism.

Today I bought myself a treat for my birthday. The local Salvation Army Thrift Shop is closing so I popped in. I spied these ice skates and decided that $4.99 was a good deal. The skates have barely been used. When the salesgirl rang me up she said, "That will be $1.04." Bargoon! Hooray. Now I need to wait 5 months to find some ice.

I've felt weird all week. I've been preparing myself for my birthday, which is always complicated by my life 4 years ago. I make it complicated, no one else. So I'm feeling pretty good this year. I feel grounded, I have plans to keep myself busy the next 2 days, and I will probably call my sister-in-law in England in Friday.

Bank addendum

2008-07-12T08:51:00.003-05:00

We saw The Mighty Mighty Bosstones last night. It reignited my interest in ska, as well as confirmed Dicky Barrett on my bank list. I've thought of a few more names. Lars' cousin would call guys like these her "rockstar boyfriends."

Ewan MacGregor
James MacEvoy

Bank

2008-07-07T17:53:00.004-05:00

My brother loaned us season 4 of Rescue Me, Dennis Leary's fire fighter program based in NYC. I was crushed to recently read a spoiler in EW about one of the major characters. Watching his demise made me feel sick to my stomach. On the upside, I learned a new term after watching another episode: spank bank. I asked Lars if he had heard of it, which he had. I had to think about it for a while. A list of people to think about while...masturbating or having sex? I think women are less visual than guys, or compartmentalize more during these activities because initially I couldn't think of anyone. Then Lars mentioned Pete Yorn. I kind of hope I never have to bank people for this purpose, but here is my short list:

Lars
Pete Yorn
Mark Ruffalo
Joaquin Phoenix
Kevin Eubanks (from the Tonight Show)
Ben Harper
Dicky Barrett

I honestly had to think about this.

Berries

2008-07-06T10:07:00.003-05:00

Strawberry season is winding down in Maine, so I took advantage and made this cake for the 4th of July. I also made fresh whipped cream for it. Yum. Our friends Julie and Nelson and their nearly 1 year old daughter came and we had a cookout after the parade was over. I got a sunburn and had to work the next day, but I enjoyed the time off that I had.

Did you know that strawberries are one of the most exposed foods to pesticides?

If you enjoyed the image above, check out some of Saxton Freymann's other books. They are wonderful!

Recycle or what?

2008-07-02T15:09:00.005-05:00

I'm trying to use recycled bags as much as possible, but occasionally I'll take a plastic bag for pet waste needs or bin liners. They do come in handy. My mom recently bought me one of these. Very stylish and handy. I love it.

A lot of thoughts are recycled in my head about things like work, motherhood, and what to do to celebrate my birthday. Go to a museum? Swim in the ocean? Get a pedicure? Buy yarn? I'm turning 34. I said something out loud to Lars the other day that had been tumbling around in my head. It went something like this. "Maybe it's best to wait 5 years and get the work done on the house and then look at our options about having kids." The reality is, I don't have the funds to adopt or go through medical treatments right now. More importantly would be keeping warm this winter, and working on the house to make it more weather-tight and also homey. So there it is. I have had a cocktail each night during this work week. I'm not sure if it is out of defeat or the sheer enjoyment of it.

The library

2008-06-29T18:40:00.003-05:00

I treated myself yesterday.

After sitting in a cold, damp park for 7 hours, I stopped by Slate's Bakery and picked up a walnut cinnamon roll for me, and a small pecan pie for Lars. Yum. Yesterday was the annual "Day in the Park," a free family festival. I have a booth every year with some sort of activity, and then also sign up kids for the library's summer reading program.

The summer seems to unfolding in its usual cycle. There's the 4th of July, the Fresh Air Fund program, my birthday, work, and then fall. Every year the library has an entry in the 4th of July parade. We usually work off of some sort of theme, and we wheel book carts down the avenue in a variety of formations. This year we pimped our carts out as pirate ships. Mine is called the "Naughty Knitter." I'll get pictures.

I sometimes wonder if I spend too much spare time doing library stuff...

Granpa

2008-06-26T19:00:00.004-05:00

My paternal grandfather died on November 3, 2000. He was 2 years short of his 100th birthday, which he was looking very forward to since he would have received a letter from the Queen of England. Apparently the Queen sends letters to all citizens who reach their centennial. I think Grandpa's dream was flawed, since he was actually a British born American citizen. No one ever argued with him. The day was also significant since it was my brother's 29th birthday. I mourned Grandpa's death and celebrated my brother's birthday in my boyfriend's apartment in London. A wonderful book about death and grandfathers is the book above. John Burningham writes about very real people, sometimes a little wickedly. I like those kinds of stories.

My grandfather came to America with his mother and other siblings when he was quite young. He started college at Wentworth Institute of Technology in Boston, but had to leave to support his parents. He took classes at Harvard Extension and worked at the former newspaper Boston Herald-Traveler as a typesetter. The paper later became the current Boston Herald, one of the trashiest tabloid papers around. I wouldn't exactly call in journalism. In the late 70's he worked for the Boston Globe, before the paper started computerized printing. I am telling you this because I read this week that the Boston Herald is laying off up to 160 employees this summer, and outsourcing its printing. It reminds me that every time you pick up a paper, remember that somebody once made it beyond writing the words down. Every time you eat a piece of fruit, someone has picked it. Once everything is outsourced in the world, where will we be? Another piece of family history that seems all the more important to me. I miss my grandfather. I wish I knew him more. I just didn't have enough time.

Another mystery I want to solve is this: what is eating my cilantro, and what can I do to deter it? I want it all to myself. My lettuce is getting consumed too.

Celebrating Tasha

2008-06-24T18:17:00.004-05:00

I learned today that one of my favorite childhood authors has passed away. I felt out of the loop not knowing that George Carlin had died, but then this evening my mom told me over the phone that Tasha Tudor had also passed away.

I had many of her books including this one, which my aunt gave me one year:

I used to crawl into this book and spend many hours looking at all her homey, intricate pictures. Her books, along with Richard Scarry's, were ones of escapism to me. Tasha Tudor lived her life as if she was a citizen of the 19th century. I can't think of a better way to celebrate her life than pick up one of her books and have a read.

Mental

2008-06-23T08:19:00.007-05:00

Today is a prime candidate for a mental health day. I could putz around in the gardens, read, finish my first ever mitten, bake, snuggle with the dogs, watch syndicated TV... It's a little muggy out, in the mid-60's. It would be a great day to not be at work, except that today is my day to cover the evening, and there really isn't a real reason for not being there. I do have some work ethic. After a few furious days of visiting with an old friend, I spent a day and a half at a retreat for the ministerial search committee I am on, and then met again Sunday morning, attended church, then came home to spend time with Lars. I was feeling overwhelmed. My chest was tight and my heart was pounding. I finally told Lars how I was feeling, which made me feel a bit better but today I feel calmer and remind myself that my task on the committee is intense now, but will be over in a few months before my next assigned job begins. It also isn't rocket science.

Yesterday I went to A.C. Moore to get some yarn for a new project. I'm going to make a soft toy penguin. I worked on it a bit yesterday, but the needles are so small and it was getting a little frustrating. I decided to move on to my mittens and go back to it later. I bought a copy of Living Crafts. What a great magazine. It's got a little bit of everything in it. I'm going to advocate for my library to add it to our collection in the next round of periodical ordering. It's lovely.

Some images from my past week:

Lars and I by the lake.

My friend Shannon.

First bouquet of the year.

The lasagna garden is very happy, including the pumpkin plant which obviously came from the compost.

My June mitten.

Hello Muddah, hello Faddah

2008-06-15T21:32:00.002-05:00

We had my parents over for Father's Day today. It went okay. I always struggle to find a card that seems appropriate. My dad doesn't golf, grill, or fish, so that rules out many of the cards. I need a card that says something to this effect: I don't always like you or your opinions but I do love you. I did okay card-wise. After our lunch and dessert, my mom had a headache and had a nap. Lars also went to sleep, since he's working overnight tonight. That left my dad and I. I suggested we come into the living room and I popped the TV on. We watched a couple hours of PBS, chatting a little. He also snoozed a bit while I knit. When my parents got ready to go home, I went and got a throw rug that I bought on whim and gave it to my mom. It seemed something she would like. I do this sometimes. I pick things up that I like, but subconsciously I must know that my mom would really like it. Anyway, my dad saw the rug and started squabbling with her about it. "Just where are you going to put that?" he asked her. I didn't catch her answer, but his response was "Let's not get into it here," and then they drove off. I think the rug will look lovely in their sun room, with the terra cotta tiles. So there, dream squasher father!

When it comes down to it my mom is a bit of a collector, and my dad is more orderly. It doesn't mean that he doesn't collect things. Some day I will inherit his many, many notebooks detailing the planting season and subsequent harvest and selling of stuff. It will be interesting to look at, but not profound. It will probably remind me how much I am becoming like him.

I'm watching the Celtics. I remember my young girl crush on Danny Ainge. I've sadly lost touch with the Celtics, but they're always there to come back to.

Strokin'

2008-06-15T07:45:00.005-05:00

This week my kitchen was hopping.

I made a spinach lasagna and a cheesecake for some dinner guests we had Friday, and yesterday I made Gingered Rhubarb Chutney.

I also made these lovely bath melts I learned about on the Angry Chicken's blog. I bought the enamel pot (with lid) at Good Will. My first batch was coconut, and the next will probably be lavender. Those molds from Target came in handy!

I'm probably going to have a social stroke by the end of this week. We had our new friends over for dinner on Friday as I mentioned, and then yesterday I was invited to dinner by the 2 neighbors we have become friendly with, and then my old friend Shannon is coming this week. It's great, and it's good for me.

Happy Dad's day!

Thomas

2008-06-13T13:57:00.003-05:00

We've become quite friendly with our neighbors, which is nice. Lars really has been the one encouraging and nurturing the friendship. He's much more outgoing, and around during the day while the husbands of the other 2 houses were also around. We have also helped each out over the past few years, helping shovel their driveways during heavy snow. I grew up in a place where our closest neighbors were a mile away, and while we weren't hostile to another, we weren't sharing meals together either. We had a 3 family bonfire last weekend, which was nice. We all contributed wood from various places. Our contribution was our old mudroom, there was an old sandbox and lots of brush. We sat around the fire, drinking beer and laughing and talking. When we left to go back to our house, our neighbor Marcel said, "Sarah, it's nice to hear you talk." Hm. Reminds me of my adolescence and people mistaking my quietness for snobbery.

Now whenever the kids see us they call our names and come and see the dogs. It's really nice. Lars brought them into the house the other day to see his collection of Thomas the Tank Engine stuff, which we've bought for future children or for a financial windfall for retirement. The toys still are in the original packaging, sitting on a shelf in our cellar way. I felt like some weirdo, like a pedophile luring children into the basement. This is also because our stairs to the second floor are on a pulley system, which means they easily lift to expose the basement stairs. It was a bizarre solution to the problem of having no space to put access to the basement. It makes for good conversation.

What I've been doing

2008-06-11T20:49:00.006-05:00

Summer is suddenly here. It was so hot yesterday that I dragged Lars to a state park so we could go for a swim. $6 and a swim in brown water later and I felt great. I think Lars did too.

The gardens have suddenly changed too. I drove away from the house yesterday and noticed the poppies had suddenly burst, changing the garden from all green and a little purple from the lupines to something more vibrant.

Tonight I made a cheesecake for a get together we are having Friday night, plus fulled some knit pieces in the washer, and also made these:

These are basically felted pieces of soap. I did them by hand. They came out pretty well for my first try. They are nice to use in the shower, as you would a wash cloth or puff. I made them from some of the roving I purchased from the fiber frolic. Here it is:

I am also making some mittens. My old friend Jeremy might say, "What are you, on crack?" 90 plus degree weather and making mittens doesn't seem quite right, but I'm happy I've finally found a pattern I can use, and I've mastered another stitch. This is pattern #3. The weird thing about knitting is you can make the same thing many different ways, by different stitches. I'm getting to the point where I like to look at a lot of different ones before I settle on something that works right. They are never written in stone.

Awkward

2008-06-09T16:14:00.004-05:00

I think it's fair to say that I am an awkward person. I know that I use the word often in a weird voice, responding to embarrassing personal statements that people make. I think of myself of more physically awkward, not aware spatially. Lars often says to me "Watch your back" when we are out walking or in a store, because I can't see how close I am to someone and accidentally cut them off or back into them. Thank god this doesn't happen to me while I am in the car. I once rear ended someone while trying to eat a tuna sandwich on my lunch break. I had been to Barnes and Noble to pick up some books for my mom. The person in front of me had been moving when I glanced down, but then they quickly braked. I was a victim of my own multi-tasking. I've been car accident free for 5 years now.

I'm pretty socially awkward too. I'm a member of Laurie Notaro's Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club. I have my certificate framed and all. Are you an idiot girl? Take this quiz to find out. Are you an idiot guy? I am not sure if there is a quiz for you.

I was very awkward yesterday. I was in our very cool (temperature-wise) basement, determined to work out after a weekend of sloth, when something caught the corner of me eye. It was a picnic blanket we had bought in FL a few years ago. It came folded in a neat carrier, so I decided to grab it to put in my car later. I got distracted by a desk we are storing down there that I have my eyes on for the spare bedroom, which is slowing becoming a yarn dungeon. In my distraction I did not notice that I was heading straight for the TV/DVD player, which is mounted to the wall beside the elliptical trainer. I nearly knocked myself out. Classy. Now I have a black and blue egg in my hairline, which would be more dramatic if not overshadowed by the huge red zit on my face. Classier. This thing looks like it has a pulse, or could be exorcised
by a priest. I told my boss I wasn't going to "ignore the elephant in the room" and acknowledge to people that it was there. I saw someone staring at it today. I hosted 50 kindergarten students at the library today and prayed that one of them did not ask me what was on my face during the Q&A. Awkward.

I just wonder then, when do adults stop getting zits? I'm hoping the big 34 will be a milestone birthday in many ways.

A yarn

2008-06-07T19:00:00.004-05:00

I have a hot date with my mom tomorrow. We are going to the Fiber Frolic, which seems insane since the weather is drastically changing tomorrow. It's forecasted to be hot and hazy and in the 90's. I feel bad for the sheep, goats, llamas and rabbits. I think there's a real subculture to be observed when we go, which will be amusing. Do the llama owners look like their animals? Who in their right mind would spin dog fur to make a sweater? I once said I was passionate about fiber, which was not a reference to leafy greens or bulky cereal. I just find the color and texture of yarn to be creatively stimulating. Hence my huge stash. I'm not sure what I'm going to make with it all, but I'm sure at some point it will all be used to make something.

Funk

2008-06-05T17:51:00.003-05:00

I've been in a little bit of a funk lately. It involves mainly my personal turmoil, which includes frustration about work, motherhood, and other episodic periods of self doubt. The good news is that my friend Shannon is coming to the States with her partner from England, and I made a new friend named Shannon whom I went biking with today. We did 12 miles, and I feel great. I also got new glasses, and it feels wonderful to see clearly again. My other pair was a bit scratched.

I went to see Sex and the City last night with a friend. I nearly was in tears several times. It was closure in a sense, eye candy and film with not a lot of depth, but still very entertaining and thoughtful. I may not live in a city but I have grappled with love, friendship, and all the conflict those situations entail. It was my friend who is a minister who first introduced me to the show. I love it.

We went out to the farm last weekend with the dogs, which was nice since we didn't have to leave them at home. I feel guilty sometimes, since we seem to have bouts of busyness and don't have a lot of time to spend with the dogs. My father was actually accepting of the fact that the dogs were in the house. He's of the belief that animals live in barns and not in the house. Our dogs are used to the comfort of home, so we differ there. We had a great visit. Merlin was especially taken by the beef cows my dad has right now.

More pictures than words

2008-05-30T19:33:00.007-05:00

Where have I been?

Last weekend I nipped down to Boston to see my friend Liz.

It was warm and really hopping. I had a good time but was happy to come home. It's always the case. I love the ease of the city, but Maine is always home.

I had a week of no drama, since one of my staff was on vacation. It was a busy week but no hassle. I like busyness. Tuesday would have been Tim's 42nd birthday. I gardened and thought about calling my sister-in-law, who I had sent a note to the week before. She e-mailed me, which was nice. All the feelings come back again in little ways, which makes me sad and sentimental at the same time.

My sister called the other night, in tears because her neighbor's child had accidentally left the door open when he left my sister's house and their cat went missing. She was gone over 24 hours. The kids were heartsick, and I felt awful for my sister. I know how I would feel if anything happened to Mojo or Merlin (and even Oliver). My sister called me back later to say that Natalie had come back. Life lesson averted!

Mojo is such a love. I like watching him from the window, since he is still so full of wonder after 4 years of living. I remember when we met 4 years ago. I thought he was such a spaz, but after my life went from uncertainty into tumult, I had an opportunity to adopt him and I am so glad I did. I recently was sent pictures of him by his first mama. I really treasure those. Here is one oldie and a few of mine:

Wee Mojo

Mojo in the breeze.
This would have been a better picture if Merlin wasn't strolling by.

Mojo and his toys.

The gardens are really coming along now. Our home is such a comfort to me, despite my aggravation over more cosmetic things. I do love it here, and the yard is wonderful. Some pictures of spring:

My goal for tonight, after grocery shopping and a little vacuuming (boo hiss), was to plant some more perennials and have a Cosmo on the new deck. I really wanted to go to the opening of the Sex and the City movie, but my friend couldn't make it. We're going on Wednesday instead. I can't wait!

Booked

2008-05-23T13:46:00.000-05:00

An open letter to adults who use a public library:

Please don’t assume that if the library is hosting an author, that all staff has read the book the author is presenting. This is especially so when the staff works in the children’s department, and the book is written for adults. It is especially irritating if you wag your finger at the staff member in question as if to say “shame on you,” even when explained that we can not read everything. (This happened to me today).

If you play with the puppets, blocks and other toys in the picture book room with your child, please don’t ignore the signs that say “Please put toys away when finished.” You are not exempt in this responsibility. If you don’t mind this at home, fine, but please respect our space.

Thanks for asking for a plastic bag to wrap your child’s soiled diaper in, and acknowledging when you’ve changed an atomic diaper in our rest room.

Please don’t question why we don’t allow cell phone use in the library. Would you use one in church? Respect that some people come to the library for solitude, quiet contemplation and to study. They (and we for that matter) don’t want to listen to your trivial phone conversations. Since when have we become so important that we need to be reached everywhere?

When you check out a book but come back and claim you have returned it (no you didn’t) and we check the shelf and other possible locations for its whereabouts and cannot find it, please accept your responsibility and pay/or replace it. We have no secret vaults where these items go. You’ve either returned it or not.

Most libraries have book budgets. Some of our books are donated, but most are purchased from community tax support. Don’t shirk off responsibility for books if you lose or damage them. Your tax dollars and other’s support this service.

Thanks for remembering us during the holidays.

Please don’t watch your children pull a whole row of DVDs off the shelf, and walk away.

Don’t let your cats urinate on our books, or smoke while reading. These smells do not go away and they severely damage the pleasure the next person has in handling and reading these books.

Thanks for appreciating libraries.

Mini

2008-05-21T17:49:00.002-05:00

It's funny how stories get changed through a few conversations. Here's an example: The other day my sister said to me, "That's so sad that there was a child rummaging through your trash." I was confused by what she said, but then I realized. Let me explain.

I dropped by our friend Lois' house on Sunday to drop off her canner that she had lent us a few years ago and gave her a loaf of bread that Lars made. I also gave her one of my fulled oven mitt. I stayed and had a glass of Bartlett's blueberry wine. Lovely. When I got home I saw a truck idling in front of my driveway. I indicated to turn into my driveway and the truck pulled away. It's not unusual to see trucks roaming the neighborhood since many of us have bought permits to put large items out for pickup. As I pulled in I was shocked to find a person of diminutive size removing the hardware off a door we put out. He had a wrench set with him, wore a baseball cap and a t-shirt and pinned up jeans. It was like something out of a Jim Jarmusch film. The truck circled around and the person climbed in, with the door lock and hinges in hand.

I spoke to my mom that night. I described the experience to her, and described him to my mom as "a little person, you know, someone short in stature." I was attempting to be PC, which obviously backfired. Maybe if I said he was a dwarf or midget, it would have been so much clearer. She spoke to my sister the next day and told her that I came home to find a child digging through a pile of boards and crap.

In the streets of Boston

2008-05-19T16:11:00.002-05:00

Who is this man?

A better question may be, "Why did Sarah impulsively buy tickets to see the Mighty Mighty BossTones and Dropkick Murphys?" Well, it was part nostalgia and part curiosity. I was always a big BossTones fan, seeing them play at UNH and their legendary throw downs at the Middle East downstairs, and I always wanted to see the Dropkick Murphys. I liked the Murphys' early albums, with their original lineup but I was always scared to go see them alone. Now I think they've kind of sold out. I also had a dream once that I was Dickie Barrett's (see above photo) girlfriend. It was sweet. So I look forward to this.

I'll be seeing the show at Hadlock Field in Portland, home of the Portland Sea Dogs. They are a minor league baseball team, and the Double A affiliate of the Red Sox.

We've started some home improvement projects, which were kicked off by demolishing the shed/mud room on the back of the house. Lars will be replacing it with a deck. I can't wait! Pictures to follow soon.

Criminal

2008-05-16T15:27:00.004-05:00

I am feeling much better now. I felt like I was working in crisis mode all week at work, aggravated by situations where I had been very clear about my wishes, but was either not listened to or ignored. It reminds me very much of my first marriage. I functioned under the idea that it was easier to go along with other's wishes than what intuition was telling me. Not good. I work with someone much like my first husband, and I am getting to the point where I would rather leave my job than stay and deal with her. Leaving really isn't an option. Every year I dread her annual review, but this year I feel as if she has repeatedly ignored my direction, and will need it clearly spelled out in the review. It isn't a crime to be passive aggressive, but it should be. I actually had to leave the building last week before I did something silly, because she infuriated me.

In other news, I'm in love. Sorry Lars, but I love my post office worker. My town is so small it doesn't actually have a post office, so I go to a branch very close to my work. His name is Dick and he's a sweetheart. He makes mailing a pleasure. I always ask for colorful stamps but last time I forgot, and he gave me forever stamps. This was a good thing because I forgot postage was going up.

I will be getting more mail soon. I broke down again and got Netflix. Lars and the Real Girl and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly are on the way, and then Twilight Samurai. Thanks for the suggestion!

To celebrate the weekend, I made these. Yum! I went out to the garden to snip the chives. Our lilacs are starting to bloom, and the gardens are looking alive.

Making a drink

2008-05-14T17:28:00.002-05:00

This has been a bad week for the world. Natural disasters have hit densely populated, oppressive places, and while miliatry juntas prevent basic aid for basic human rights for their citizens, bombs go off in other places, polar bears are being discussed as being "threatened," gas went up 3 cents a gallon today at the store near my house, and work has been really sucky. I decided to leave it at the door. Now I wait for Lars to come home. There's a pizza waiting to be eaten, There Will be Blood waits to be watched, and I made myself a cocktail.

You're not it...

2008-05-12T20:20:00.002-05:00

I'm borrowing this because I don't have much to write about. I wanted to talk about the fact that this is ride your bike to work week, but due to my cold I am not sure if I am going to be able to. Maybe at the end of the week.

Feel free to answer this if you also find yourself at a loss. I'm not tagging, since I wasn't tagged myself.

6 Unremarkable things about me:
1. I have a brown mole on the end of my nose.

2. I became a Beatles fan in 5th grade and wasn't aware they weren't together anymore. Disappointment!

3. My Joy of Cooking cook book traveled to England with me, and I have written in it, spilled molasses on it, and can find the pizza dough recipe easily due to the flour stuck in the pages.

4. I have bunions on both of my feet which make my second toes longer than the first.

5. When I first met Lars I sometimes would think about him at work, and suddenly he would appear. This happened several times. It scared the hell out of me. I dubbed them my "dream weaver" moments.

6. I once was a page at the Maine Republican Convention. This was a long, long time ago. I no longer have that party affiliation.

Mum

2008-05-10T15:05:00.003-05:00

This is my mom, circa 1962.

I wish I wasn't sick, because I am going to meet my parents tonight and then bring my mom back to my house so we can spend the day together tomorrow. Being sick is a gift of stillness, unless you wake up coughing and can't stop. I think getting sick is nature's way of saying, "whoa, slow down." Of course, I am exposed to different people every day. I am bound to pick up something.

I'm not sure what Mom and I will do tomorrow. I made some key lime squares, and maybe we'll go out on an adventure of sorts. I love spending time with mom. She has a real calming presence. I am more like my father, structured and a time keeper, but when I am with my mom I can let that go. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because she accepts me for me. I never feel as if I have to be anything but me around her.

Thanks, Mom.

Retraction

2008-05-07T21:47:00.003-05:00

Okay, clearly my friendship pheromones must be out there. Not only did a friend pop by the library the other day, I got an e-mail from another suggesting we get together, and then today a woman with her 3 year old came in and said that she and her friend (another mom who uses the library) were just talking about me and she wanted to set up a dinner date with us. She cycles and I am trying to get into a routine of cycling, plus we have lots in common (dreams of renovating our homes, similar tastes in books, political views, etc). Maybe I was feeling a little too bad about myself.

The good side of being sick is that you can get lots of knitting done. I actually listened to a book on tape too. I accomplished a lot from my couch. Maybe tele-commuting could be productive.

Behold, an oven mitt, some toddler slippers and a tote:

Getting there

2008-05-06T07:50:00.005-05:00

I haven't been to lots of places in the world, but there are a few more that I would like to visit. I was born in Maine, went to college in New Hampshire, on to grad school in Boston, Massachusetts, on to London for 2 years, and then back again to Maine. In between I've been to Canada, Ireland, Wales, and a few states like Florida, New York, and Vermont. Vermont is a progressive yet old fashioned state. It still has lots of farmland, is the home of Ben and Jerry's, has a tradition of crafts people and independent thinking and has this program, which I think is wonderful.

Don't get me wrong. There's lots of great things about Maine. I've been thinking about this recently since we have to put together a portfolio for prospective ministerial candidates for church. My co-worker complains about the lack of radio stations, restaurants, and culture, but there has to be a certain acceptance that if you live in Maine, you've got to be willing to travel a bit. There is no real transportation infrastructure, except in some of the bigger cities. Our state capital has no bus service, despite having a small airport and a Greyhound stop. I know that the price of gas is going to be a deterrent for some to wander around and discover favorite places, but I see that paying for gas is a necessity. I see that sales for my car, the Honda Fit, has risen more than 50%. I'm lucky. It takes less than $30 to fill it.

I have no major travel plans for this year. I would still love to get to England, maybe a trip down to Boston and Vermont. I have to get to Cape Cod to see my nephews too. I'm also hoping for more hikes, poke around Portland more, go to the Fiber Frolic, maybe go to a country fair, get out in the kayak, and finish all the reading I need to get done.

My current project is a felted oven mitt:

Binary numbers

2008-05-05T15:56:00.004-05:00

"No man is an island." John Donne

"One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. Two can be as bad as one; It's the loneliest number since the number one." Three Dog Night

I was feeling low today, for a variety of reasons. I've caught a cold from my mom and sister, who came over for dinner Saturday night. It's usually the kids who pass their germs on to me when they visit, but not this time. I attempted to go to work, and did arrive in time to do a few things, find coverage for my evening shift, and then come home. My throat is burning and I am exhausted. Last night I had difficulty sleeping, after drinking way too much coffee to warm myself up. Today is a brighter, warmer day. My friend Julie and her 10 month old daughter dropped by to see me at work and that cheered me up a lot. They live very close to the library. We try to get together to see a film or even as couples but it's been a while. Her daughter is really lovely. I feel a little jealous of her, but today I nearly cried when Julie suggested I walk over on my lunch break some day and we have lunch and then a walk. It sounded lovely. I had been contemplating something someone said at my church yesterday about going it alone. She quoted John Donne. It brought Into the Wild to mind to me. Chris McCandless decided to leave Alaska and see his family again, but his naivete doomed him. He had written in the margins of one of his books: "Happiness is only real when shared." I don't know if I believe that wholly, because I am not sure we are ever really alone.

Some spring flowers. Note that my lavender wintered over beautifully.

Swell

2008-05-03T20:19:00.006-05:00

I made this cake on Friday. It looked horrific but was yummy. I love dark chocolate and coffee, and this cake is the perfect combination of the two. I gave it to my parents, as a preventive measure. They are home from Florida. My sister came up from Massachusetts with her boys and we have spent the last 2 evenings together. I love spending time with my mom, and I am happy to be around family again. Getting back to the cake; my boss interviewed someone for a library aide position once, and asked the standard question regarding how they handle conflict. The woman responded that she baked when she encountered conflict. She didn't get the job, but I think it was a clever response. I love baking. I can relate to her response.

I worked today, and will work the following Saturday too. I have begun to resent working on Saturdays, since it means not having consecutive days off. I work Monday evenings, so it takes some wrangling to find coverage for myself. Today we hosted a local author who was wonderful, but the event was not well attended. Her book was called SEW for Peace, Sandra Palmer Fish. It consisted of photographed panels of hand sewn scenes, telling a rhyming and counting story based on the idea that peace begins within ourselves. The author was probably the most genuine person I have ever met. She confessed how nervous she felt before events like this, but that once she started to speak she felt like she was having a conversation with the audience.

I am looking very forward to going to Boston in September to see the Swell Season, aka Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova from the film Once. It's an early anniversary present to Lars and I. Our anniversary isn't actually until October 1st, but it's nice all the same.

Sucker

2008-04-30T19:30:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago I interviewed to be 1 of 7 people on a committee to hire a new minister for my church. I was asked to apply, which was flattering and there were quite a few people who applied. I got the call last week that I was chosen. We will meet once a week until next June, which is intense but I feel like the work I will be doing is important. I also do some committee work for a conference for children's literature, and recently joined a committee for a literary award for Maine children's literature. My boss really encourages me to "get out of the house" and get involved with professional stuff like this. I also sit on a board of a local food bank. I sometimes attend a book group at a local library. I host 2 p.m. monthly book groups at my work that run from September until June. Sometimes I do outreach for my work in the evenings too. Phew. How do I have a life? I still find myself with pockets of down time, so it isn't all that bad. But, I decided to contact the person who organizes the children's lit conference to tell her that I need to step down because I didn't want to burn out, but could I join the committee the next year when my weekly meetings for church would be over? Her response surprised me. She basically said that she would be willing for the committee to meet less to allow me to still join them. Wow. I guess they really like me.

Meanwhile I have an internal storm brewing about work. I have one staff member who annually designs a poster which I find visually cluttered and confusing. I love simplicity. She's more chaotic, but only in this way. She also takes things extremely personally, and needs to feel needed. She also openly brags how she does not know how to spell my name, which irks me. I recently took the disability awareness class and learned that when making fliers/posters advertising library programs, they should be in size 14+, sans serif font on matte paper with few graphics to make the piece accessible by all. I shared this with all the staff as a way to broach the subject. My next step is a conversation with her once she gives me another draft of the poster she's currently working on. I think way too long I have been lax with my staff, and they don't respect me. Much of library work is about order and organization, and my staff can be sloppy at times. I often as myself if the conflict I feel with them is about my own issues, or stuff that really happens. I'm just tired of not being respected.

Walk the line

2008-04-28T06:33:00.003-05:00

I'm really digging this blog. I went out and bought Amy Karol's book this weekend, Bend the Rules Sewing. Of course, I have a hard time "bending the rules" when it comes to craft stuff. I can do it at work, but not creatively. It's strange to see this in myself. I rarely deviate from recipes, and even struggled with the lasagna garden. Lars suggested a different combination of layering than what the author did, and I struggled with going with that. In any case, Amy Karol seems like someone I would like to be friends with: she likes aprons, she cooks and makes home ec seem chic. Check it out.

I have a funny schedule this week, but I am not complaining. I am picking my parents up from the airport Wednesday, so I look forward to seeing them. I'm glad the snow melted before they returned home. The grass is getting greener but the temperatures are seasonal. My father will return in a fury of activity, which will last until October.

Layers

2008-04-26T20:51:00.004-05:00

Today was packed.

I picked up the plants I ordered from the Kennebec Water and Soil Conservation district. I had ordered raspberry and blackberry canes, peonies and some agri-gel. Sadly, the blackberries didn't come in so I got a credit and used it towards a new compost bucket. I washed ours in the dishwasher and it warped. When we got back from Canada I discovered that we had ants, and I suspect they've been accessing the compost from the small hole on the top where the lid does not line up anymore with the top of the bucket. Then I stopped by Agway for some peat and manure. I also bought some tennis balls for Mojo. He loved chasing the balls around the yard. Merlin is not much for toys but Mojo revels in them. I have to teach him to bring the ball to me, though. He eventually drops them and runs off. Today was the day that I was going to put together the lasagna garden. Some benefits to gardening this way include not breaking the soil and better weed control.

I photocopied a diagram of what the layers should be comprised of from the book Lasagna Gardening by Patricia Lanza, although the author of the book says to use whatever materials we have available. We layered wet newspaper and shredded paper, then repeated layers of peat, compost, leaf matter and manure. Once done, we covered it with a tarp to "cook" it. It should be rich and lovely and ready for my plants in a few weeks. I'm putting Datura, Sweet Annie, Calendula and Zinnia in it. I'm not a huge fan of annuals, since they don't keep giving like the perennials, but they do provide nice color and give cheer instantly.

We topped our afternoon off with a bike ride along the rail trail. I didn't use the bike too much last year, so I was a little rusty. The thing has tons of gears and I'm not the most observant when it comes to traffic, gravel and shifting, but luckily there is very little actual road riding going on. The trail is beautiful. I hope to bike to work once the weather becomes a bit more stable. We did about 13 miles, and it felt fantastic! I'm damn tired now. I'll sleep well.

Roll back

2008-04-25T14:02:00.002-05:00

My sister-in-law in Canada was having serious doubts about her pending appointment to have her 3 month old son circumcised. Her husband felt indifferent, and family members at a family gathering shared their opinions after she asked for them. Opinions ranged, but she still felt muddled. An aunt and uncle thought it was unnecessary, stressing the importance of teaching the child to clean himself properly. The uncle compared it to female genital mutilation, saying that the procedure lessened the sensation for men. Lars was all for it until he recently had a conversation with his cousin, whose chose not to have her son circumcised. Her doctor said it was not necessary, and that socially many of her son's peers would also not have it done so it would not be an issue of him being different in the locker room. Someone asked me my opinion. I said that on the one hand if surgery is not needed, then why subject the child to it? On the other hand, from an aesthetic point of view, I prefer a circumcised guy. I rather have everything on the table than having to roll back the turtleneck.

She decided to cancel the appointment.

Taking the time

2008-04-23T17:42:00.004-05:00

Back from Canada. Lars got us through Montreal while Habs fans looted and attacked police cars. We drove 11 1/2 hours from Waterloo, Ontario to home, starting at 8 p.m. Monday night. Long trip, but very fun. I had not spent that much time with Lars since January. I relished it.

Some pictures:

A flag in Kingston

A smooch near the Thousand Islands

At the Wings of Paradise butterfly conservatory in Cambridge

Lars and his new nephew Lachlan

Identification

2008-04-16T20:55:00.003-05:00

I took the dogs and cat out to the farm today so my brother could watch them while we are away in Canada. We had a nice visit. I looked through the mail while my brother greeted the dogs, since I still occasionally get mail there. I saw something addressed to Tim, so I opened it. It was a license renewal form from the state. His license expires on his birthday, May 27th. He'd be 42, except he died 4 years ago. It was upsetting, but also an indication of how disconnected the state bmv's is. How could they not know he was dead? Don't state departments communicate with one another?

I am working on a conference tomorrow, have my book group tomorrow night, and then will come home and sleep a few hours before leaving to drive north. Road trip!

Out of the mouths...

2008-04-15T15:17:00.002-05:00

Something my friend Liz said this weekend:

"I love Lars. He's just like a girlfriend."

That pretty much sums up what a tolerant, fun guy I am married to. I am not sure how many guys would tolerate their wife and friend dragging him around town with a bunch of sailors.

Geek is the new chic

2008-04-15T13:28:00.004-05:00

The older I get, the more I realize how much I am growing into myself. I've actually become someone I really like. Up until now I've grappled with some bad choices that were not obvious to me at the time. Low self-esteem seems like such a cop out. I just think I'm going through life like anyone who can look back and reason with why certain things happen.

I grew up in a place where I was a geek. It is rural. I wasn't popular, but I was a step above social pariah. The popular girls who were pretty, were also cruel. The guys treated me like a buddy (sort of). We all pretty much were children of farmers and foresters, teachers and nurses. Some were white collar families but most blue. There wasn't a huge social difference between people, economic wise. I played field hockey, basketball, and did field events in track. I was in the French club. I did the lighting for the drama club, and was on the yearbook committee. I never drank or smoke. I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't obese. I got picked on because I had a dorky brother who was overweight. I also got picked on because I was gullible and, frankly, I have big breasts. I was very self-conscious, and awkward.

My prom, 1990

I really think that a lot of the guys who picked on me then would actually really like me now. I suppose that's where I have to face being the bigger person. In my mind I am doing a little victory dance, telling them to eff-off or acting out a scene like in the movie Hard Candy. In reality I would just be polite but call them an ass in my head.

In the navy

2008-04-13T15:31:00.004-05:00

Whew! What a whirlwind weekend. Friday night was the annual city employee recognition dinner. I have worked at the library for just about 6 years, but the city goes by the 12 month calendar and feted me for 5. The night included a musical serenade by the mayor's wife, to the tune of "Maria" from The Sound of Music. That was painful. Part of the "making you feel good about yourselves" portion of the event is a drawing for door prizes, and a 50/50 raffle. The door prizes are an assortment of stuff: a woven blanket depicting scenes of the city on it, tickets to the latest concert at our events center, gift baskets, and a coveted paid day off. The weirdest part of the last prize I mentioned is that it's always the last item to be chosen. I bought 2 tickets for $1, and joked to the people at my table that it would be a toss-up between the blanket and the day off. Before the awards were handed out, they drew the first name: Me! I took the paid day off. My boss said some lovely things about me, and when she was done my library colleagues gave me a standing ovation! I was very touched. After all the people were recognized, they drew the second 50/50 and started the dancing. I listened to the numbers being called out and couldn't believe it! I won!

Saturday we drove down to Boston for my class. The class was good, and then we went to relax before hanging out with my friend Liz. That included enjoying some very good beer at Bukowski's. Once we met up with Liz, we took the T down to Government Center and then to the Black Rose. The Yankees were in town and we were trying to avoid the crowds. I approached the bar and someone spoke to me. We got chatting and quickly realized that he and his friend were Canadian. They actually are Canadian sailors. It turned out to be a great evening, which included getting to board and hang out on their ship! They were great guys.

Now we rest and recover today.

Coffee, coffee, coffee

2008-04-09T16:36:00.005-05:00

I got a present yesterday from Lars:

When we first met, he described my car as "disgusting." My console which had my cup holders was covered with a sludge that was part coffee, part soda sweat. I often had stuff rattling around in the back, due to my very long commute and habit of throwing stuff in the back. My trunk was frightening. Let's just say that my car was an area of my life that was not tidy. Just after Tim's death, when I went back to work again I seemed to be eating my pain away. At one point there were fast food bags from several fast food restaurants piled up in the back. Then I joined the Y. Then I saw Fast Food Nation. If that doesn't scare you, nothing will.

I have a terrible habit of spilling coffee, pretty much anywhere. One of Lars's first presents to me was this mug, which he brought into work for me one day, full of some really lovely coffee. I think he brought me a cookie too. My heart was pounding when I saw him, since I had already been thinking of him when he arrived.

I also spilled a cup on one of our first dates. His fleece jacket soaked up a lot of the spill. I was sure he'd be gone after I came back from the restroom, but he stuck by me.

I missed Weight Watchers tonight. I didn't go to work today, and didn't have the energy to drive in. I've lost 25 pounds so far. I've been chipping away at it for a while, and even though I've done it before for various reasons I'm planning on keeping the weight off this time. The other times I was moderately successful at keeping some of the weight off, but various personal crises found me back to square one.

Largesse

2008-04-08T10:44:00.004-05:00

Day 1 of non-fuzzy TV reception. I've already planned my evening tomorrow night. I'll catch America's Next Top Model, then 2 hours of L&O CI and L&O. Today I'm watching Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Thursday I will get caught up on 30 Rock. I had watched the pre-strike episodes on my laptop, which isn't the same due to the annoying, repetitive ads for All State insurance, and current movies. Mental note, do not go see 21.

I'm home today, waking up with a sore throat, after waking up late. I slowly got ready for work, hemming and hawing about going and then I finally called my boss. She let me know that she wouldn't be going to work either. I have such a great boss.

This is a project that I am working on that I am calling the B.A.B. That's an acronym for Big Ass Bag. I doubled a pattern I usually use and now I wonder if I will ever finish it. It already has almost 4 skeins of yarn used in it, and I suspect I will need a couple more to complete it. Crap. I love the colors though, very oceany. My inspiration for making it is that I just hate bags that I can't store lots of stuff in. These kind of statements remind me more and more of my mother, who I love and respect very much but used to tease about her numerous bags, which she carried within other bags. Now I do the same.

My nest

2008-04-06T17:01:00.003-05:00

I like the idea of nesting. My favorite place is home, wearing yoga pants and flip-flops, baking, gardening, knitting, watching films and being homey. Nesting is most closely associated with pregnant women; I am not pregnant. Right now I am planning on redoing my living room. Lars is going to replace the windows and put sheetrock up over the very uneven walls. I'll paint them, and maybe sand the floor. I have a couch and chair and other simple pieces of furniture picked out at IKEA that I'm going to buy, and some FLOR carpet called House Pet that fur will blend nicely in. I'm really looking forward to this space.

It's Business Time

2008-04-04T16:24:00.001-05:00

I had to share. Quoting the lyrics hardly does the song any justice! It's business time...

Educated

2008-04-04T05:41:00.002-05:00

I'm going down to Boston next weekend to take a continuing ed class. It's called "Library Service to Patrons with Disabilities: Disability Awareness & Etiquette." Initially the city refused to pay for the class, claiming that they do not pay for college classes. The class is being taught at Simmons College, my Alma mater, but it isn't for credit. Lars noted the irony that I work in a building that is barely ADA compliant, and I get denied a class in something to benefit those patrons who need it the most. Eventually my boss convinced the city and it was approved. I love irony.

I attended Lars' employee recognition wing-ding the other night. I was really proud of him, since he's got the best work ethic just short of my parents. He's been working for the company for 9 years. He won a Clinical Standards and Practice award, which recognizes the top 10% of the employees. I think he has earned one every year, but is often working the night of the dinner. I know that I completely trust him in any medical emergency.

I e-mailed a friend about getting together today but I didn't hear from her so it seems I will be relishing this day alone.

This and that and spring

2008-04-03T19:58:00.004-05:00

I have proof that spring is on it's way:

My yard is gray and muddy, but there is a lot happening under the surface.

I sorted out the recycling this evening, thinking of the Flight of the Conchords lyric from the song "Business Time." It goes

"It`s business.
It`s business time.
Next thing you know we`re in the bathroom brushing our teeth. That`s all part of it, that`s foreplay. Then you go sort out the recycling. That`s not part of it but it`s still very important."

After I sorted our metal, glass and #2 plastic, I carried it out to the curb and I actually felt the warmth of the sun on my back. It's great.

I feel thrilled that I have a day off tomorrow. I am celebrating by watching King of the Hill. The episode called "The Father, the Son and J.C." seems serendipitous to me. Bobby thinks Jimmy Carter is Jesus Christ. His grandpa says he was "...Nobody but a one-termin' peanut farmer...henpecked by OPEC" and Hank says, "Man wore a sweater." I recently watched the Jimmy Carter film and have a bit of a crush on him. Too bad he didn't voice the actual character.

This is my latest project:

I can whip up one of these bowls in a few hours now. I've found a pattern I like, which makes sizes that are not too big and actually sturdy. I love all the colors that yarn comes in. It's inspiring.

Warmth

2008-04-01T17:42:00.002-05:00

I forgot to write about something that happened over the weekend. Lars bought 2 pellet stoves! We currently heat with oil and want to get away from that as much as we can because it's expensive, and using the pellet stove will be like sticking it to the man. They are ingenious! They look like a wood stove, but instead of logs you load what looks like rabbit food in the top and it releases them inside where they burn and release the heat via a blower. You don't need a chimney for them, so they can be vented through the wall and only need about 2 inches of clearance from the wall. I grew up with wood heat. There's nothing like sitting in front of a wood stove and having a good snooze. The way this winter is going, the stoves will come just in time. I like being cozy inside. Now I'll have 22 channels and warmth! Hooray. I checked out the TV listing for the said channels and it looks like I will be able to indulge in re-runs of Magnum PI and catch up on America's Next Top Model. Sweet!

Good-bye

2008-03-31T17:45:00.001-05:00

I think I am ready to let go...of Netflix. It's been a good run, but lately it seems inefficient, with unnecessarily long wait times. I wrote them to complain, but received no answer. Even a class action lawsuit did very little to improve things. I could be using the time I spend watching stuff to be reading, working out, being outside or actually socializing (shock horror)! I could use a local video store, using my dollars locally (actually this is a farce, since they would be used at a local chain). I also could use my library network more to borrow stuff. Unfortunately I traded one evil for another. This morning I ordered...basic cable. I guy I spoke to seemed incredulous that I was excited over channels 2-22, but it means catching up on 30 Rock and L&O, which is thrilling to me! For what I pay for Nextflix, I will pay the same for local programming. Of course I could go cold turkey again, but I like having some background distraction while knitting. All of this is part of a bigger plan to actually use my living room for living. It means instead of being a large corridor in which I pass through to get to the rest of my house, it will be a room I spend time in. Right now it is in dire need of cosmetic work, and also acts as the dogs' lounge. It's probably the warmest room in the house.

My grumble of the day, besides disliking that it is snowing again, is the lack of privacy and proper working space at work. Case in point: when I returned from my 4 o'clock dinner break, I walked in to find one of my staff reading something on my desk. It was something that had nothing to do with her. It was none of her business. I didn't say anything to her about it, though. Four of us share one computer, which is adjacent to my desk and not enclosed by anything. It's sometimes hard to separate our work space from the public space. If I put stuff currently sitting on top of my desk actually in the desk or in a folder, I may not find it. That's how my brain works. However, I would never read stuff sitting on top of my boss's desk. She has a private office, and I do not. That is the big difference. It will forever be my gripe about this position, which will not be remedied until we have an improved facility or I leave the job. It's what Dick Cheney might call a "quagmire."

Jimmy and Jonathan

2008-03-29T06:31:00.004-05:00

Last night there was an impromptu after work dinner get together by my work colleagues. There were 10 of us, including a retired staff member and my boss. It was nice. The nicest part about the people I work with is that they would do anything to help one another in need. Towards the end of the meal I went to the ladies room. My boss came in shortly after, and pointed out that the song playing (rather loudly) was the Thompson Twins' "Hold me know." Good song. As I washed my hands, Earth, Wind and Fire's "September" came on. I wonder where they got their mix? I had a friend who worked at a pharmacy chain and he said that they received cd mixes from their corporate office to play in the store. I suppose the same is for chain restaurants.

After dinner, I came home to let the dogs out and feed them, ran to the grocery store and then back home again. I watched Jimmy Carter: Man from Plains. WOW! I had forgotten about what a tremendous person he is. Was he really a bad president? I was too young to remember, but what strikes me is his faith, his desire to make the world better and his use of his power for betterment of others and not just self-interest. Will George W. Bush have the same legacy? I think not.

I had also forgotten what a great filmmaker Jonathan Demme is.

Filmography of Jonathan Demme (starred ones are the ones I have actually seen):

Caged Heat (1974)
Crazy Mama (1975)
Fighting Mad (1976)
Handle with Care (1977)
Last Embrace (1979)
Melvin and Howard (1980)
Who Am I This Time? (1983)
Swing Shift (1984)
Stop Making Sense (Talking Heads concert film) (1984)
The Perfect Kiss (New Order music video) (1985)
Something Wild (1986)
Swimming to Cambodia (1987)
Haiti: Dreams of Democracy (1987)
Married to the Mob (1988) *
The Silence of the Lambs (1991) *
Cousin Bobby (1991) *
Philadelphia (1993) *
Beloved (1998)
Storefront Hitchcock (1998)
The Truth About Charlie (2002) *
The Agronomist (2003) *
The Manchurian Candidate (2004)
Neil Young: Heart of Gold (2006) *
Man from Plains (2007) *
New Home Movies From the Lower 9th Ward (2007)
Dancing With Shiva (2008)

Clearly I need to watch more of his earlier stuff. His documentaries are very interesting. The Agronomist was very grainy and almost unstable, which reflects the subject matter of democratic opinion in Haiti, whereas The Man from Plains was very stylized. I love both the films. My most favorite of all is probably Married to the Mob. It has a fantastic soundtrack, and even though it pokes fun at the mafia it's a very funny and tender story. It's more about starting over.

C.S. what?

2008-03-28T15:21:00.004-05:00

I recently signed up with a C.S.A. for fresh produce this summer. I don't raise vegetables myself, maybe the occasional pot of tomatoes and herbs but that's about it. I usually score free veggies from my parents, but I don't always see them weekly in the summer to have a reliable source. C.S.A. is short for Community Supported Agriculture. It's basically a system of pre-paying for vegetables or other farm goods, and then having them delivered weekly (or picking them up, depending upon the farm). Ours will run from June until September. We'll receive a shipment weekly of whatever is in season. Yum! I can't wait. We had yet another snow storm today. It was pretty weak but enough to cover the ground which was partially bare.

I'm planning on doing some lasagna gardening this summer. It's all about layering like a lasagna, rather than growing stuff to make one. Apparently it's a great way to control weeds, and requires no actual breaking of the soil. You start with a layer of wet newspapers, and then alternate layers of peat, compost and mulch. It will be a real experiment. It doesn't seem like spring will ever come.

Help yourself

2008-03-24T17:54:00.005-05:00

I'm not a real believer in self help books, but I do think people can help themselves out of terrible situations. It's great to have someone to lean on, whether it be a parent, spouse or even friend, and be brave enough to lean on them until you can stand on your own. I remember when Tim died and my mom ordered a bunch of books from hospice for me. Some were helpful but some were just too close to what I had experienced. I wanted to escape, and not be reminded. I've been thinking about the friendship crisis I've been talking about in previous posts. I talked to Lars about it yesterday too. I don't think I'm at the stage where I am going to turn to books to help me, mainly because I don't want staff handling my inter-library loaned books to provide commentary over the subject matter of my reading material. I also don't want to spend my own money on something that I am sure is just a phase in my life. I saw this book:

I like the thought of a pragmatic book to discuss something I am totally flummoxed about, but for the above reasons I will probably pass. It got me thinking...

There are two times in my life that come to mind where I needed a friend, and they surfaced when I terribly needed them. The first was when my mother and I traveled to England for my husband's funeral. After the service, as they carried his coffin to the hearse, my friend Shannon appeared in the crowd in the courtyard of the church. I was already weeping but I remember seeing her familiar and friendly face and feeling such relief and love. I felt hostility and blame from some people, and I needed the reminder that I was okay. I remember her telling me that day that I could start my life over. I didn't believe it, but I think she did.

The other time was the spring after Tim died. I was enduring some financial issues due to the complexity of Tim's estate, which included me getting sued by the bank we had taken out a construction loan from. I was willing the pay off the loan in installments, but since the home was not in my name I was not allowed to. So, a county sheriff showed up to serve me. Luckily I was not home at the time. I had just met Lars and I was very upset about the prospect of being sued. He told me (in so many words) that it was time for someone to care for me, rather than for me to carry the burden on my own. It was wonderful to hear. It lifted a burden of sorts.

So, my current lack of friends seems really trivial when I think about what I do have.

Occupied

2008-03-22T18:47:00.004-05:00

I was dreading today.

I agreed to volunteer at an annual fundraiser for a center that provides services to children with special needs and their families, on behalf of my library. I was there to read to kids. I had a colorful rug, some bean bags, and a crap load of books. It is one of those chili and chowder competitions, with crafts and activities for kids, plus auctions. It's held in a facility with terrible acoustics. While it only ran from 11-2, I had to get there at 9 to set up. It exceeded my expectations, which were pretty low. I've done it for a few years, but this was the best yet. I did end up reading this book over and over, but I had a captive audience, which was nice.

Maybe I should have become a teacher. I have a Masters in Education, although it was in research. I've never actually taught in a classroom. I remember taking a test in the guidance counselor's office at my high school. You answered lots of questions and it spit out possible careers. I think teacher was actually one of them, but it also could have said waste management. I don't remember. I also wonder what it would be like in public health or horticultural therapy. My mother was a nurse, and so was Lars'. Motherhood, nursing and teaching used to be the top 3 professions, but now it seems endless, but also short term. I get restless, but always feel bound to duty. I read books about people who pull up stakes and wander, and while I find it fascinating I couldn't quite commit myself to do it.

Makeup

2008-03-21T17:11:00.003-05:00

I visited Target today to pick up some kitty food, and also to get an infusion of my most favorite store. I didn't need anything in particular but the cat food, but I love the place. After I checked out I went over to get a coffee. The National Weather Service issued a wind warning today in this area. This is a quote from their website: "WEST WINDS OF 25 TO 35 MPH WITH GUSTS OF 50 MPH CAN BE EXPECTED TO CONTINUE THROUGH 8 PM THIS EVENING." I guess they use all capitals for the dramatic effect. In any case the horrible wind is making it bitter cold out, and I have been chilled to the bone because of it. I meandered over to the coffee bar and saw that their register was literally torn apart. The barista asked me what I wanted and I asked for a coffee with room for cream, but wondered if I would be able to pay for it with my debit card. He said not to worry, poured my coffee and sent me on my way. It was a nice gesture of kindness, and good customer service. I love that store!

A good example of bad customer service is when someone calls the library to ask to renew their materials and they are told no, simply because they are overdue and number around 31 items. A staff member from the adult services department called me yesterday to let me know this. I looked on the record of the person, who is a young mother of 3 kids who lives out of town. The items were indeed overdue, but no one was waiting on them. So I called her and let her know that I renewed them, and apologized for the other staff member. The most important thing for our staff to think about is this: what if it was you? How would you want to be treated? I'm a Robin Hood type anyway. I waive fines for people and give them extra time, because I try to be compassionate, but I am also a pushover.

I got an e-mail on MySpace from a woman who is married to a former co-worker of Lars. She had sent a bulletin (which I did not read) and was following up with this e-mail, which basically said that she was selling Mary Kay and wanted me to come to her house for a "party." I thought this was rich, since I have tried being friendly with her before, e-mailing about us 2 couples getting together. She never responded. She's a stay at home mom and does babysitting to supplement, so I can't blame her for wanting extra income and using whatever marketing she can. It just bothers me that I can't seem to find friends here, and she ignored me before. I have the added bonus of not being a makeup wearer to add for my excuse, in case I see her in the supermarket.

Art walk

2008-03-19T19:47:00.006-05:00

I like the idea of creating things in homage to other things or people. This is a case in point: Hyperbolic Crochet Coral Reef. It's gorgeous and almost impossible to tell from the real coral reef. Art imitates life they say. I'm starting to think of people when I work on my knitting projects, knitting them with those people in mind. It's become a good hobby for me.

I saw something disturbing while I was in Boston. My friend Liz and I were walking up Boylston to the pick the train up at Hynes Convention Center. We could feel people walking closely behind us, so we slowed for them to pass. It appeared to be a daughter and her parents. We guessed that they had just gotten out of church since the mom carried palms, and it was palm Sunday. The daughter was probably about 19. She was skinny, dressed in black and had her hair in pigtails. I guessed that she was a music student at Berkeley or an art student at the Museum School. She also wore funky shoes like these:

The girl was arguing with her parents. She said something like: "I'm not even supposed to fucking let anyone know about it. I could get into big fucking trouble if I take you there." She then started to walk very fast. Her mother picked up the pace while her dad lagged behind, and she said the girl's name and put her hand on the girl's arm. The girl then stopped, and started to kick her mom. Liz and I were stunned. The girl ran down Mass Ave. while the parents struggled to follow her. It was sad. Where couldn't she take them? Why was she acting that way? Who were we to feel sorry for? Were the parents horrible, or was the girl? I suppose I could never imagine doing that to my own mother. The only time we have not gotten along was a brief period in junior high, when I acted like an idiot.

I went to a food bank meeting last night as a rep from my church. It was pretty enlightening to see what they were doing. They feed about 900 families per month, which to amounts on average about 250 children a month. Last year they handled over 325,000 lbs of food. It is all volunteer run. I felt very inspired by the meeting, knowing that things can be done locally to help people. I'm going to do a 5k walk next month to help fund raise for the organization. Hopefully the snow will be gone by then. Today was yet another snowy day.

Bottle

2008-03-16T20:44:00.006-05:00

I'm back from my mini-break. It was an hilarious collection of escapades, which included meeting a man who asked me if I was in an open marriage, a fall down a set of spiral stairs, lots of laughter, wine, and gray skies. I somehow completely forgot that this was St. Patrick's Day weekend. It means a day off for the city on the 17th, which is officially known as Evacuation Day. That was the day the British were expelled from Boston in 1776.

I went to visit my friend Liz, who is living back in the city after finishing her MA at NYU. We met while I was in grad school in Boston. We were housemates. You may recall my November trip. She lives in the Back Bay, working in an after school program for kids ages 6-12 while she looks for a teaching job. She is an artist, a sailor, and a teacher. I love her because she is outgoing, friendly, and can laugh at herself. In many ways we are different, but I love spending time with her because she's game for anything.

I drove down to Portland after work on Friday, catching a bus and getting into the city about 9:30. I met Liz at the local pizza joint near her house. She had already dipped into one of the two bottles of wine we were to drink that night. After a few slices we went back ti her house. After we polished off the wine and made a couple of silly calls, we popped out to The Crossroads, a local Irish pub. It was 12:30. The Crossroads was an infamous place to me, the only pub I ever got sick in during my illustrious 3 years living in the city. We had a beer, Liz went out for a smoke, and came back in and shouted for me to join her at a table where some people sat whom she met while smoking. It was a brother and sister and their visiting uncle, celebrating the 30th birthday of the brother. We began to chat. Apparently he had a degree in civil engineering but was working for Nestle doing food service. I could almost hear Semisonic playing "Closing Time" as he asked me about myself. For some reason I decided to give him the abbreviated version of my life, telling him how I was widowed but now remarried, lived in Maine, and was a librarian. He touched my arm, running his finger over a scratch I had on my hand, and a crack on my thumb. I blamed my cat and emptying the book drop without my mittens. I was totally ridiculous at this point, after many glasses of wine and two beers. The birthday boy told me that that I had been through a lot for someone my age, and then asked me if I was in an open marriage. That was a new angle. I confessed that I was incredibly smitten with Lars. Then the bartender told us that they were closed and we walked home. At some point while climbing down Liz's spiral stairs to go to sleep, I fell. I then somehow put my pajamas on and conked out. I awoke the next morning in extreme pain, and hobbled around the rest of the weekend.

We talked out all the world's problems during the weekend, walked around, window shopped, recuperated from our wild night out, and most importantly laughed. Liz is Internet dating and has been contacted by a guy who posted pictures of himself that must have been 20 years old. He wasn't bad looking, and seems kind of intriguing but you have to wonder: who shows pictures of himself from 2 decades earlier? Hm.

I love all the different voices in the city, the pace of life, and the ability to visit, but come home again.

Some snaps from my trip:

Great shop on Newbury Street.
I love the play on the skull and crossbones.

Old school beverages.

The ironic thing about this picture, besides feeling dirty buying such huge bottles, is that we were totally disinterested in drinking it.

Mojo is happy to be by my side again.

In your eyes...

2008-03-14T15:09:00.002-05:00

Wasting time is the best thing to do at the end of a work week, especially when you are going away and don't currently give a toss about work. Enjoy the image above, inspired by my favorite movie of the late 80's.

Real names and happy days

2008-03-13T17:47:00.005-05:00

I've come to the point where I'm tired of abbreviating our names. It's time to come clean, since my closest readers are over 40 miles away. No one from my work reads this, which is good because I need an escape and a place to vent. Hyperher=Sarah, L=Lars.

I'm going away this weekend. In my former marriage, if I was going to go away I would give my husband weeks notice, convincing him why I should go. I would also have to prepare meals for every meal I would miss while I was away. He insisted. It got to the point where it was easier to have no friends, so I could give him my undivided attention. It wasn't good. I was more like Marion Cunningham than myself. They were not happy days. You may ask yourself why I married someone like this, when I purport to be a feminist. I suppose that I was caring for someone how I thought I should be, that it was a part of marriage. I couldn't clearly see that he tried to limit my access to my friends and family. I tried to see the best in him.

All that has changed now. I don't have to ask to do things, I just let him know and do it (unless it's something major). The funny thing is that I will really miss Lars while I am away, but Boston beckons! It will be a nice weekend with my friend Liz, taking in the city like we used to. Have a lovely one too.

Why is Mojo hiding under the table?

2008-03-09T20:34:00.004-05:00

Mojo is hiding under the table because we have an overnight house guest, as you can see from the tail in the corner. His name is Oakley, and he's a golden retriever whose dad was ordered into work. That means someone called out sick, and with no replacement he is forced to work another 12 hours. So, we offered to have him come here. Mojo normally has buckets of energy, but this dog makes him look comatose.

I know how Mojo feels. I feel like hiding under the table after the end of this week. Part of it is because the city is advocating that the library sell our current building and move to an old school that currently is being rented out to community programs. It means abandoning 112 years of tradition to move to a 60 year old building that was vacated by a middle school because it was inadequate. The cherry on top of this crappy ice cream sundae was that we received a challenge to a book we have in our collection. I cringe at the possibility of negative publicity, but as a public librarian I hold the tenets of the Library Bill of Rights sacred. Essentially my job is not to make judgments about what is or is not appropriate for kids. I believe that is the parents' job. I believe in free access for all. The parent in question is challenging a book because her faith deems it "pornographic." I remained Switzerland while we had our conversation about the book on Saturday, and heard her out. The reality is that there are many books I don't agree on, but my job as a librarian who purchases books for the collection is to portray all sides (within reason and taste). It will be interesting to see where this goes...